Ugh. I have so much to say but have no idea where to start, so maybe a list-style post will suit me best today. In plusses and minuses:
– Hit 280 today. This is so... bad/sad/upsetting/discouraging/etc/etc. I knew it was going to happen after having a day of eating unlike any I have had in a long, long time. Bingeing behavior has really taken over lately and I'm not sure where it is coming from and I have been feeling relatively helpless over it. 280 means that I've gained 15 pounds since Thanksgiving – 15 pounds in a month! How does that even happen?
It is so scary to me how quickly I can gain weight, even after a year and a half of losing fairly consistently, even with the past few months slowed way down. So scary.
+ By the time my partner came to bed this morning (he often stays up all night), I'd been awake for a little while, unable to fall back asleep because I was so sad and scared after my bender yesterday. Ever so supportive, he talked me down from my proverbial ledge and offered so much comfort and encouragement. He's going to help me, at least when I am at home, to get a handle on my eating again. Just for today, he suggested a meal strategy to get me back into reasonable territory. Just having that in mind has helped me focus this morning and I think I can use it to carry me through the rest of the day. Keeping things very simple with a liquid breakfast (green tea and water), soup for lunch, and the chili I was planning to make for dinner. If it seems a little extreme, it's because I need it to be right now, today. I need to jolt my brain. Not having to think about what I could eat or want to eat throughout the day is really helpful. I may simply have to get disciplined about meal planning. Not having those question marks at lunchtime and dinner make things so much easier.
I also whined, between sniffles (I was very teary), that I haven't been exercising at all. He said, "Just worry about getting your eating back on track for now."
One thing at a time, just like when I started. I do think that I'd like to get a short run or two in by the end of the week, but for now I'm not going to fret about it. First things first.
– I feel like I haven't been the best friend in the world lately and have been isolating myself a lot, avoiding parties and whatever else that involves socializing. I'm been finding it hard to be very joyful, even though I have plenty to be grateful for. How many times can you apologize to someone for being a Debbie Downer? It's easier to just withdraw sometimes.
+ Tomorrow I'm going on a fun run in the late morning at Fleet Feet – it's called the Egg Nog Jog – and doing 2 miles. I have to do something. I think getting out into the fresh air and moving my limbs and being around other runners will do me a world of good.
– I don't even know what else. I'm feeling a little sorry for myself even though I'm inflicting my own pain.
So that's where I am at right now. I think back to the end of year goals I had and yearn for the "consolation prize" that 268 was supposed to be. If only! If only I knew then what was ahead. I would never have believed you a month ago that this is where I would be.
That all said, I'm trying to put things in perspective and will be working out a plan to dig myself out of the hole, as well as setting new goals for myself in the coming year. It's actually one of my favorite things to do at year's end! I don't think that I will ever set a time-based weight goal ever again, even just to say I want to lose x pounds in a year. The truth is, any loss is good, any maintain is good. Any progress on developing good habits is good. Any activity that I do is good.
Regarding running, even if I only ever run 1 or 2 miles at a time forever more, that's a win. I keep thinking about all the BIG things I want to do, like run a marathon or maybe even beyond, but sometimes I wonder if that makes me feel discouraged. From now on, instead I will focus on all the things I can do now rather than worry about how I'm going to get to those bigger goals later. My head has been sticking itself too far in the future, I think. Though – I will be doing NoBo 3.0 starting in February, that's a no-brainer.
After the disaster that yesterday was, eating-wise, I am ready to take steps back to the positive space I was in once more. It's been a rough few weeks. Time to stop feeling sorry for myself and start doing the work again.