Well, it's been quite an extraordinary week. But not in a good way. It's been pretty tough, to be honest. I am just grappling with/against myself so much – feeling good about getting a label on what's been going on with me (major depression) and starting to take meds for it (no side effects, yet!) – but also having that cripple me a bit, too. I'm holding onto it for dear life and I'm not sure why.
So this past week I took a break from everything. From the gym, from PT, from worrying about calories, from caring about a lot of things. I took a personal day off work on Friday. I needed it.
I basically wallowed a lot in nothingness.
Over the weekend I was getting a little bit sick of it and took little steps toward positivity and taking care of myself in the way I need to. Just stuff like going to the grocery store and cooking meals, cleaning in bits and pieces – doing laundry (not last minute!), cleaning out the medicine cabinet, making the bed each morning, stuff like that. It doesn't seem like much as I type it out, but at the time it felt like I was busy and productive. I guess that is how deep I was.
OK, I did go to the gym on Wednesday. I dragged myself there and I told Rick I didn't want to do anything. He put me on the treadmill for my easy walk warmup (15 minutes) and by the time I was done with that, I felt a little better. He had me focused on upper body with dumbbells, and (since I was doing them in PT) some squats, too. While doing those he reminded me of back when I first started doing those under his training and how I needed to be near a bar for stability, and now how strong I am. That felt good.
I'm going back today for my regular Monday appointment after work, and I've determined to go back to PT, too. I've been going back and forth about my feelings about running but I think that has been more about the depression creeping in with its negative thoughts rather than really not wanting to do it anymore. It's been easy to get down on myself about it, but the truth is I really miss doing it regularly and improving steadily. I was on a real roll there last spring in particular! I can get back there, and beyond.
Oh, and I've been wearing LuLaRoe leggings an awful lot lately, which is not really good when you want to lose some poundage – your clothes always feel comfy! I wore pants today fresh out of the washer and... they are the tightest they've been in a long time. Thankfully they have a little stretch so they're not uncomfortable, but to me this really says, "Move it or lose it!", i.e. do something NOW so that you don't outgrow your friggin' clothes, girl! I can outgrow them if they fall off me, but not if I'm bursting out of them. I wanted to feel good about myself today, so I wore a comfy black jersey shirt, the black pants, and my Fleuvog boots. If I feel confident in my clothes I will have a better day. It's just a fact.
I'm just trying to hang on to myself, more or less.