Wednesday, August 30, 2017

Catching Up, Kind Of

It's been over a month since I posted here, which hasn't happened in a long, long time. I really needed a break(?). I think? Make no mistake, I have been thinking about blogging about everything, but just haven't felt like whining more than I already had been. It's been a whine fest around here, believe me.

Let's see... I left off in late July. I was bitching about being back into the 290s again. Shortly after that, I fell back into the 280s for a while, and then... I got sick. It's really the only thing I can blame it on, this horrible month (eating- and weight-wise, that is, not my whole life), because generally I am not one of those people who loses her appetite when she gets sick. Just the opposite. Of course. 

That leaves me now finding myself over the 300 pound mark again. Gah.

The question I want to ask is, what the hell is wrong with me?

But probably a better question to ask would be, what the hell is RIGHT with me? So maybe I will start there. Or something like it. Things right are:

• Getting my shit together and pretty well enjoying my job

• Playing tennis (though not as much because of my dumb arm pain) and hiking with C.

• Lots of long summer weekends – I've got five days off starting tomorrow as a summer farewell

• Feeling comfortable in my clothes and my skin. I wear dresses and skirts almost all the time now!

• Liking my hair growing out and deciding that I will be an older lady who rocks long hair

• Red lipstick and cateye glasses

Instagram

• Actually wanting to paint again

• Feeling pretty OK with the meds I'm taking for anxiety and depression

• Reading TONS

• Visiting kitties at the SPCA

Of course all the good stuff doesn't exactly negate the fact that I have gained like 20 pounds this past month. 20 pounds, can you believe that??? I've been thinking a lot about what I really want for myself and how I feel about the possibility of staying fat for the rest of my life.

I guess I just want to be careful about my degree of fatness, mainly out of physical comfort/ability with a little vanity sprinkled in, and the desire to shop at straight-sized stores. (Despite the vast array of offerings to plus-sized ladies, I just want to buy what I want to buy and not have to worry about going to a specialized store. Yes, this is a societal issue but I don't see it changing anytime soon.) I'm still aiming for size XL and 16-ish. I would really also like to see the size of my arms and belly shrink a bit – they are a source of discomfort for me.

As I have said many, many times before, I really want to be able to do anything I want to do – like running, hiking, playing tennis, whatever else. I want to be able to do a few more things in the bedroom that my bod prevents me from doing now (I know, TMI). I never, ever want to have trouble wiping my butt again. Ever.

But it scares me, because I also said that I never wanted to be above 300 pounds again, yet here I am. Never say never. I felt good in the 280s! I kept saying that I'd be fine even if I never lost more weight at that point. I'm really pretty angry with myself for letting this happen.

My eating has basically been, more or less, out of control.

I can also tell you all the good things I was doing for myself that I stopped doing around the same time it was obvious the weight was piling back on:

• A skin care regimen in the morning and at night

• Meditating

• Real, regular exercise – tennis once a week and a hike or two is not enough

• Eating mindfully and fueling my body rather than stuffing it with crap that shuts me down

• Keeping a nice house (I know, gross. Not sure what is up with that)

One positive step I am taking is participating in a virtual month-long marathon, which can be walked or run – so a little bit every day starting September 1!

I'm not sure what else I can deal with, but getting it typed out is helpful to see where I'm at anyway.

I have the courage to try again, even if I've failed over and over in the past.

10 comments:

  1. Welcome back!

    Sounds like everything's been a little bit in slacker mode lately, and that's normal, right, to have cycles of intense rigor and then cycles of rest. Under other circumstances, I'd say these various "off" things you mention all occurring together sound like depression, but you don't sound depressed - but I'm mentioning it anyway. Maybe a medication adjustment is needed? Maybe some of this is a side effect?

    Give yourself permission to experience the effects of a transition without judgment.

    Goals are good, too! But judging ourselves, not so good, IMHO.

    Glad you're back! Take care.

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    1. Thanks Wendy. Those are good questions, and in fact, I am heading back to my doctor tomorrow to see about another adjustment to my meds. I understand that it takes some time to figure out the right combo and dosage, so I am trying to be gentle with myself. I also try to present myself as fairly positive and functional, but the reality is all those things I mentioned. I have so little motivation lately. It's hard getting out of bed again. I want to sleep all the time, etc.

      So anyway... as usual, I am keeping on keeping on. I'm glad you're sticking with me!

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  2. Take the weight out of it for a second: if you didn't have any clue what size your body was or anything to compare it to, how would you feel about the way you're living your life and how you're taking care of yourself? It's a number on the scale and it says next to nothing about you or your life, so maybe focusing on all of the great progress you're making in self-care without worrying too much about the size of your body would be a good way forward for a while?

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    1. Hi Denise, good points for sure. Yes, if I didn't weight myself I would know that right now, things aren't where I want them to be. I feel those extra 20 pounds very acutely. At the very least I want to get back to the comfortable feeling, which I am hoping won't take long with a focused effort and conscious decisions about how I am fueling my body. Today is day two in that space and I am already feeling a sense of relief. Thanks for reading!

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  3. What an inspiration. thank you for sharing. Just out of curiosity what was the "aha" moment for you? what made you say "today is the day?"

    thanks

    love

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    1. Aw, you are sweet! I sure haven't been feeling like an inspiration, so I really appreciate that. I didn't really have an "aha" moment – it was more like a series of deliberate steps that I took towards living a better lifestyle. Though, I can say that my quality of life was getting so poor that I knew I had to do something about it, finally. I couldn't keep living that way, so it was kind of do or die.

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  4. Hi! Greeting from Bolivia.. anyway just wanted to tell you I love the title of your blog since well like many of us probably on here have always been told that stripes are only for skinny people and man do they make me feel bad. However with time, exercise, healthy foods and pretty clothes that confidence and motivation is setting in. Thanks for blogging about your Journey very inspiring.

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  5. Hi Amy,
    I never read your blog before today so I don't know much about you. I just know you are struggling to lose and keep you weight down. I have done that all my life so I know what it is like. I am 73 and still doing it. While it is a lifelong struggle, it is worth it. If I had given up I don't think I would be here today. My highest weight was 265 and my lowest 155. I kept off 110 lbs for 13 years then started regaining again. I gained back 35lbs and have taken off 18 so far. I see how the weight affects my health and just plain makes me feel older and sick. Being an emotional eater or addicted to food or whatever they want to call it, I know it is not just willpower. I feel it is like an alcoholic . If I slip I just keep going until I can finally pull myself back again into the reality of what I am doing to myself.
    While it is so hard Amy, we need to keep on trying and keep on winning day by day. I have spurts of depression and times when things overwhelm me. That may never change, but I will never give up and don't you ever do that either.
    Wishing you success day by day. BELIEVE AND YOU CAN DO ANYTHING.

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  6. Hi Amy!
    this is my first time reading your blog- i even had to learn how to find blogs and suscribe to them!! As someone who has suffered with depression for many years i can tell you that when we begin to wind down or go into a new season, like end of summer beginning of fall, it can definitely start affecting how we feel... That said, this too shall pass, and everyday is a new day. i am 52 and have struggled with my weight since high school (what i wouldnt give to weigh that again) add on to that new diagnosis of psoriatic and rhuematoid arthritis,osteoarthritis in my spine and 2 spinal surgeries. now i am looking at knee issues... i was a nurse for 30 years,on disability now. i want to lose weight to feel better physically as well as emotionally. i look forward to reading all of your blogs and reading more in the future.. Believe in yourself!!

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  7. Thanks for sharing your experiences.... really helpful :)

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