Friday, September 22, 2017

23 Days Later

I am back in the land of the living! Hooray!

Maybe that is a bit dramatic, but not entirely inaccurate. I was feeling pretty close to dead quite a lot in the past month, to be honest. Depression has really been hitting me hard, and I have been stressed out for various reasons... for someone like me who tends to eat her feelings, it's not a good recipe. As a result, I found myself back up to 312 at my highest yesterday.

I'm not going to do this to myself again – I am not going to be the person I was when I started three years ago at 372 pounds. For one thing, may I be totally frank/TMI? My greatest motivator right now is bathroom hygiene. Going over 300 pounds does not bode well for easy cleaning, if you catch my drift. I feel like this is something no one ever really talks about, but it is a reality for some people! It's amazing to me how suddenly it came to that, how a few pounds in the wrong direction can make it an issue. But it's true!

(No, I am not walking around with a dirty butt. Seriously.)

I remember at my heaviest actually considering getting one of those devices made for people who can't reach for whatever reason. Oh man.

So anyway, more than clothes, more than being able to do all the things... I have discovered that THIS is my greatest motivator. It's a good one, I tell you what!

I'm back to 310 this morning, which is a small step in the right direction. I have decided to take a couple solid actions for now:

• A cup of green tea and 24 oz. of water when I get to my desk at work

• If I want something to eat for breakfast, it's going to be oatmeal and/or fruit

• Lunch will be fairly loose still. I will try to make better choices overall and aim to stay within my calories each day, eating most of them midday (1800–2000 to start)

• At least one more 24 oz. of water before I leave the office

• Depending on how lunch went, either no dinner or a very light one (yes, really)

• If I do eat dinner, no snacks after that

Generally, I prefer eating most, if not all of my food before 6pm. It doesn't always happen, but that is what I like to do.

Anyway... these are my goals for the next little while, and I am going to focus on these for now and not worry too much about other things like meditation and exercise. I know from experience that trying to make too many adjustments at one time usually ends in disappointment. My list now has things that I like to try to abide by anyway, but just haven't been, and I won't feel restricted. I'm not cutting out any certain types of food, only making sure that I don't eat too much, which has been my big problem the past month or two.

I'd also like to shout out to the readers who have taken the time to write some really lovely comments on the last couple posts – it means the world to me, and has definitely helped me get in a better mindset. I will be back to blogging on a regular basis from here on out. All the support I have received is so appreciated. If you're just reading and not commenting, thank you as well!

Onward!

16 comments:

  1. So very glad you are back. I want to read about how you are doing and I think your struggle helps me to feel I am not alone. I focus on the good work I have done more than my failings and that helps me too. I know if I did it before , I can do it again. I am no young girl and I will fight until my last breath. No piece of food is going to dictate how I live the last years of my life. You can do anything you want to do if you want it bad enough. Dr. Phil said something once that I remember. There is a payoff of some kind for each action we take. I thought long and hard because I just could not see any payoff for me.
    The only thing I came up with is food calms me, like a drug. So is that the payoff. If so, how can I substitute something else to calm me. It took some time, but now I repeat to myself food won't make things better, it will just make me fat. Then I get away from the food and do just about anything until the craving passes. It works pretty good for me. If I find after time I still need a food fix, I have a fiber one brownie or a 100 calorie muffin. these are the only treats available to me. I shop for myself and won't have goodies in the house.
    Well, I am on your side dear and you are in my prayers. Believe in yourself and make it happen. You are so worth it.

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    1. Many thanks, Marje, and sorry for my very late reply to your lovely comment. I think one of the things has to be for me NOT having stuff in the house or at my office. It's silly, but I am always buying ice cream to have in the freezer at home and I totally don't need to have it on hand all the time like that. I do a lot of self-sabotage.

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  2. if this action plan has worked for you in the past - and it sounds like it has - I always so, be brave enough to return to what works! good luck, you CAN do it. keep checking in here (and I'll try to be better about doing the same at my place too).

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    1. Thanks as ever, Wendy! I am still struggling, but don't want to give up.

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  3. Hi Amy,
    I was hoping to see something from you. I pray you are doing well. I have been doing ok. Feel like I am a second away from slipping. I am fighting off urges that usually are not this strong. So far so good. I am happier when I feel content and don't think about food as much as I have been. Will check back tomorrow.

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    1. Hi again Marje,

      Thank you for your concern! I am here. My apologies for taking so long to respond to your posts.

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  4. Amy - hope you’re doing alright. It’s been a while since you posted an update!

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    1. Hi there anon,

      As hopefully you have seen since, I am still around. Massively struggling, but still in it! Thanks for your concern.

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  5. I too once saw 300 pounds as my heaviest weight and appreciate your honestly in this post.

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    1. Thank you, Lisa. It's tough! I was pushing my way to 400, you know? It was awful. I'm trying desperately to find my way back to a good place.

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  6. Hope you know there are still people out here rooting for you.

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    1. That means so much to me, anon! *hugs*

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  7. I'm a new reader. Since 11/2015, I lost 98lbs...but I've been stuck for most of this year and have gained around 13 back. Looking for like minded inspiration! So glad I found your blog! I don't feel so alone with my struggle! We can do this!

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    1. It's easy to feel alone, I know. Even though over the past few years I have had so much open support, it's tough – especially when you've slid back a ways. I know that my friends wouldn't think badly of me, but I can't but think I've let myself and other people down. I want to continue to treat myself the way I should be treated, and to inspire others – not just to lose weight if they want to, but also exercise self-love and appreciation.

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  8. I just discovered your blog today, after searching for blogs of overweight people who are trying to lose weight. I've been reading your 2017 posts and really, REALLY feeling you. This year has been the most challenging one for me: I was diagnosed with a life-changing chronic illness and my husband divorced me 3 months ago. In the past 4 months, I've gained 40 pounds. I purposefully avoided weighing myself, because I knew I was gaining weight. Food and alcohol were the drugs I was abusing to make me feel numb. To make me feel better. Or maybe to make me feel worse, to look as bad on the outside as I felt on the inside. Reading your posts make me feel less alone, so thank you. In 2013, I was at my then-heaviest of 226.6, and managed to lose weight through diet and exercise to 163. As of this week, I am at my now-heaviest of 247, which is just depressing as all holy heck. Thank you for making me feel less alone. (Oh and FYI: a huge motivation for me is indeed the bottom-wiping bathroom situation. *sighs* That is indeed a powerful motivator!)

    *hugs*

    Thank you for your blog. It's good to know I'm not alone. You're a strong person, and I know that I am as well. But life happens. And sometimes it's harder than we would like. But we got this.

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    1. Thank you so much for sharing your story and reading! I guess 2017 has been tough for many of us. I tell you, it is SO nice to know that you're not alone in any kind of struggle, and it's obvious we're not. I hope you'll check in again with me with an update!

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