Sunday, April 8, 2018

Or Maybe Not.

If you've been keeping tabs, you know that I have only sent out one TinyLetter since I professed to make the move over to it from here. The truth is, my life has erupted into something entirely different I last wrote publicly. First and foremost, I was let go from my main day job two weeks ago on Tuesday. I will just say I cannot claim to be blameless, however the story goes way beyond anything you could see on the surface. It was long in the making involving both interior and exterior factors. That's all I will say aside from that it was a fantastic learning experience and I will know never, ever to stay in a toxic work situation again, and I will never hold onto a job beyond its (or my) expiration date. That was my biggest mistake.

The truth is this is a huge opportunity to further mold my life into the way I see fit for myself and my family. I have a little time to make/let things happen and not have to worry financially but have already had a couple interviews and leads – and I've been drafted into a pool of graphic designers for an amazing branding startup (so happy about that!). I was told by my now former employers that I could still freelance for them, and that they would provide a good letter of recommendation, so... it's not all bad.

I've been enjoying the downtime and trying to use it to best of my advantage. I'm not always successful at this, however. Some days are better than others, as you might imagine. A huge weight has been lifted from my shoulders on one hand, but on the other I still have feelings of regret and embarrassment and even sadness to an extent. On good days, though, I do things like take classes on Skillshare or CreatveLive or Lynda; or clean the house; or do job searches. I feel hopeful and excited about my professional future. I'm not scared.

Another thing I have been doing is working in customer service very part-time at a friend's bicycle specialty shop. They do a lot of internet business and needed help handling returns and helpdesk and stuff. The pay isn't great, but it keeps me busy and engaged and continuing to learn new things, which is always a plus in my book! I'm not sure how long I'll be doing that for, but it's nice to know that I'll have some extra dollars and it's nice that I am able to help my friend in her time of need as well. (Thanks, Jen!)

Aside from that, I've been watching a lot of Mozart in the Jungle and Psych and various movies on Filmstruck and wearing the same clothes every day that I am home. I'm staying showered and brushed. I cook, I do dishes. I check the mail. I check email. (OK, I check email a lot.) I've been thinking about trimming my hair, just a few snips to frame my face while keeping it long. I used to cut my own hair all the time, but now I am not sure if I trust myself with that anymore.

I have not-so-great days when my confidence is low, and when my heart feels broken. I haven't been writing as much as I had hoped – keeping a daily practice was my intention but some days I feel too sad to. Maybe sad is not quite the right word. I don't know.

Since this blog is supposed to be about my weight loss and fitness stuff, I'll note a bit here and now: It hasn't been going well. Part of me feels like not caring, but part of me is mourning the way I was feeling about my body even just a year ago. I haven't been on the scale in at least a week but I don't have high hopes for that – certainly above 330 again. I know it. But, I am going to get back to some sort of routine and will start with a weigh-in tomorrow and every day after that. This is something I know that not everyone does, but it's something that, when I am managing my weight, I need to do. One of the first things I thought to myself when I walked out of my office for the last time was that I would now have the time to dedicate to even just walking daily again. Tennis season is coming and I want to be ready. I want to be able to run around and be comfortable and all of it. I even want to start running again. I really do. I will. (?) (See. I am still unsure.) I don't know goal I want to set yet except that I'd really, really like to remain under 322 for the sake of symbolism of a kind – that's 50 pounds below where I started from my highest weight over four years ago. If I can keep off that 50 pounds at the very least, well.

The other thing is getting back below 300 again. That feels important, too, but right now almost impossible. Still, it is what I want for myself. One step at a time can get me there.

I'm glad to have opened up this portal again and written a few words. It helps. I need to always remember that. Opening up and getting it out always helps.

As always, thanks for reading.




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