Tuesday, April 21, 2009

It has to be said

I am really upset about my weight situation right now. I've had a total loss of control and have a bizarre totally caring about it/totally not caring about it dichotomy that makes dealing with things really difficult.

Yesterday I heard the former tennis pro Monica Seles on NPR talking about her new book, which apparently talks a lot about her own struggles with food and body issues. Apparently she has been "OK" for the past five years, and hearing her talk reminded me of how I sound when I tell people about when I am in the middle of losing a good chunk of weight, when I am in the zone and doing well. Kind of all dreamy and confident and emphatic. Big difference is, obviously, she has been able to maintain her weight loss for five years, whereas I haven't ever been able to for longer than six months.

There's a serious disconnect here. I was totally thinking that there is something in my brain that really needs fixing, and that if I could fix it, I wouldn't have a weight problem. That the fat is merely a symptom of something else entirely. The honest truth is that I don't know how to have a healthy relationship with food, not at all. And until I can fix that, I will probably never be able to lose and keep off weight. This has been going on for practically a lifetime.

I'm wondering if I should seriously consider returning to some form of counseling specifically addressing this issue, or even attending OA meetings. The latter sounds really unappealing, though. I actually did go to a couple OA meetings about 15 years ago and they just made me feel funny, but who knows? Maybe it would be different at this point in my life. All I know is that I have to do something, because I just can't keep doing this to myself. I am simply not happy with my body because it is not serving me well. I'm keenly aware of certain limitations returning as I gain more and more weight back, and it's freaking me the fuck out.

There. I said it.


  1. Sorry you're feeling bad about your weight and having trouble staying motivated to do something about it. You're not alone - I had a significant regain a few years ago, and it took me quite a while to start dealing with it again. Keep fighting the good fight, even if you're not able to stay on plan enough to lose weight right now . . . maintaining or minimizing the regain are well worth the effort.

    I don't have any experience with OA, so I can't offer anything on that subject.

    Re developing a "normal" relationship with food . . . I sure don't have one either! I loved this post, which gave me hope that I could learn to manage it.


  2. I totally understand what you are saying.

    I don't think for a minute that you are crazy, I think you have the same addiction as many of us. The trouble with being addicted to food is that we do not just have the choice of giving it up.
    Should you get help? If you believe it could help, try it. My daughter has had amazing success with cognitive behaviour therapy (CBT) for anxiety. There are many different sorts of help, and you should look around for something that makes you feel good, not that you feel you should do.
    I am not sure that any of the above will help much, but the fact that you are still asking questions and looking for a way to succeed speaks volumes for your courage and commitment. Go you!!!

  3. I'm so sorry you're struggling. The thing about counseling or OA is that you can try them and drop them if they're not helping you. Whatever you do, keep searching. You are SO worth it!

  4. I see a therapist and he does not specialize in issues related to weight loss, but he has been very helpful anyway. I had thought that I had a food addiction, but now I really think the issue is more about the weight than food. I think that I overeat in order to stay fat, not because of an addiction to food. For me, I think that my weight makes me feel invisible - a funny thing - but I find it's true. I am not so large that people stare, but people seem to ignore me when I weigh more (and I kind of like it that way). When I lose weight, I get a lot more attention - not only from people I know, but from men who are interested in me, from clerks at the store, whatever. It makes me uncomfortable.

    Anyway, I don't mean to say that I think that's what's going on with you - just that having a therapist has been very helpful to me and I am seeing that the problem is more complex that I'd realizes.