Ugh, I am doing it again—unconsciously avoiding posting here.
I'm sort of wondering if I might just informally withdraw for a while. To be honest, blogging about the things I have been going through on this stalled journey gets kind of depressing. I really haven't gotten anywhere in the past month and it just plain sucks. I'm not having a pity party or anything, and I'm going to say terrible things about myself because of it. I am just sick of analyzing everything.
The quick set of facts is that I have pretty much stayed within the same three pounds or so for weeks. And today I weighed in at 330.2, which really pissed me off. It really did. But, it wasn't unexpected. I've been eating pretty willy-nilly the past week, like the switch was turned off again. I don't know... I DO care, and I hate having to rifle through the bags of fatter fat clothing that had become too big for me when I lost weight last year for something to wear, but I wonder if I have it in me.
I'm so sick of this roller coaster ride. I'm sick of wearing the same clothes over and over. I'm sick of not fitting in (sometimes physically, sometimes socially, sometimes both), but I'll be darned if I can do anything about it.
I don't feel like going out walking or running in the cold and snow, and yes, we've had winter weather the past few days. I can't tell you how sick of that I am. It might be part of what is getting me down, I'd bet five dollars on it, in fact. I want nice weather, I want to be able to work in the gardens, I want to go for walks and runs and bike rides and enjoy just being. The winter's been too long; I just can't take it anymore. Not in April.
So much for being born and bred in the Buffalo area, huh? It's sort of how I never get used to getting a period every month, either. They still both suck.
I am taking a break from here for a while. It may last a month, or a week, or just a day. But I need to give myself permission (or persimmon, like I was originally about to type) to do this. I have a feeling I will feel much better about everything once we really see spring, and once I am not in the middle of that time of the month anymore.
Maybe I should move south and get a hysterectomy.
If you want to stay in touch, feel free to email me. Seriously.