The Cruelest Month

Argh, so many thoughts lately.

So, February has turned out to be a wash, a maintaining month. This is the first month in which I haven't shown a loss from the first day to the last day. (OK, I know today is the second to last day of the month, but I doubt things will change drastically between today and tomorrow.) Sure, I've juggled all the numbers in between 296 and 302 pounds, but today I found myself weighing in at 298, which is what I weighed at the beginning of the month. My first reaction seeing the number on the scale this morning was to get pissed off. I didn't let that feeling linger, though. I tried to frame it in a different way so that I could move on and keep making progress, instead of feeling discouraged and wanting to give up.

For one thing, I know that I might be taking my "I eat whatever I want and just fit it in" attitude a little too far, just in that because of one thing or another, I'm doing less cooking at home and buying more "treats" "just to have on hand" at the store. It might fit in my calories on any given day, but I am not getting the nutrition I should, and honestly, I think it's not helping me any to lose weight. So many folks out there spout the "calories in, calories out" philosophy, but I gotta tell you, as much as I would like to believe in it, I'm not sure I can. I have a feeling that if I start incorporating more whole foods – veggies, fruit, lean meats, grains, etc. back into my daily routine, things might start moving again. Lately it seems like take-out pizza, KFC, Subway, and the like have been my BFFs lately, which is something I don't want to continue. Yes, once in a while, a few times a month, maybe once a week, but not what I've been doing. All it takes is one look in my MFP food log for the past couple weeks to see how dismal it looks in there.

So after this weekend (during which my partner and I are celebrating our 15th anniversary together!), I'm going to get back to better eating habits, especially cutting out so many sweet treats. We're making this big pot of Sunday sauce on Saturday, which should be delicious. We're getting some wine, too, and you'd better believe that I'm making garlic bread. After that, back to business. Though, I could make a beautiful salad, too, couldn't I?

On the plus side, I have been successfully building my yoga practice, getting some in every day for the past little while now. I do this both at home with apps and videos and at my gym for hour-long classes. Meditation has also entered into things, and a general effort to shift my energy into a more positive field. Life's too short for bad feelings – not to say that you should never have any, but sometimes it's easy to get wrapped up in being angry, sad, frustrated, short-fused, etc. I want to be a happy person and I want to be a kind person, and I feel that performing these meditative acts really helps in that regard.

NOBO! Man, I love this program. It still kind of makes me nervous that I will always be last in the group, but at the same time? Eh, whatever! Who cares? I'm doing it. The other night I did some treadmill homework and I'm realizing that my pace is picking up a wee bit. It wasn't too long ago when my walking/running pace was about 2.8/3.8mph and this last workout? Blowing myself away with 3.0-3.3/4.3mph! It's still a snail's pace, I know, but for me? Dazzling. And to think, I will only get better with time and effort! I will be very excited when I can do, say, 5mph on the treadmill. I can't wait until the snow and ice melt a bit so I can see how I do with the outside solo workouts around my neighborhood. Spring is just three weeks away...

Also good is that I'm noticing my body looking different. It's probably only stuff I can tell, things like the way the rolls of my belly look when I am sitting, or how that flesh looks looser when I am standing (stuff I look at before I step into the bathtub). I just feel different in my skin somehow. I certainly feel more capable, which is the best.

I don't know. While it is hard to see the scale stagnate a bit, I also think in a way that it must be nice for my body to kind of get used to having lost 75 pounds, right? I'm so far from ready to give up. That is not even a thing... I have been going all along and I am ready for the next phase of my adventure.

It begins NOW.

OK, let me leave you with a documentation of my past efforts as a runner. This is a photo of the 1985 Alden High School Cross-Country team. I have indicated little old moi as a fresh-faced 15-year-old. I wasn't fat then (though I thought I was, of course), but I wasn't very fast, either – though I do think I was running a 30-something 5K? Compared to everyone else I was glacial. :) It was a great team, though, all very supportive folks from the coach Mr. Weeks to the most elite runners. I heard recently that one of my team members (Nanette, who is in front of me in the photo) still has a sweatshirt and that she's willing to hand it over to me! Talk about incentive to lose weight so that I can wear it while I am running! Yes.