I feel like I am running out of patience.
I feel like I am running out of steam.
I feel like I am kidding myself.
It's been a weird weekend of strange emotions. I slept a good portion of the afternoon away today, partly just because I couldn't deal. There's a lot of largely unassigned anxiety floating around in my head, which feels horrible. It's almost like PMS except that I just got over my period – PostMS, maybe?
Anyway, it's days like this that make everything more difficult. But I keep telling myself that I just have to ride the wave, because it will make its way to shore and be nothing more than a toe-tickler in the next day or two. I'm sure of it. It's in times like this that I am feeling like my recent practice of yoga and mindfulness and (as much) kindness (as possible) is helping me make it through without totally losing it – my mind, my will to keep honoring my body in the ways I have been. I know that I have come too far to insult myself by giving it all up and reverting back to old habits.
So there is solace in that.
And I know, I know how my body works. It gets stuck often. My problem is that I hit 297 on the first of the month and I am still chasing it. That is, I've been playing with the same few pounds since then, no matter what I do. No matter whether I have a "good" day, or, let's say, a less mindful day. Whether I exercise or I don't exercise. You get the idea. February looks like it is going to be a bust, quite frankly. My worst month ever, weight loss-wise.
It is discouraging.
My plan for the rest of the day, which is kind of just getting started at 5pm: Do some yoga. (I really like the SimplyYoga app, by the way!) Then, get to work. I've been teaching art and design courses online for over five years now, so most days involve that for at least an hour or two. I need to get that done. Then, hopefully I will have some time to read and I don't know what else. Just chill out before starting the work week again, I guess.
On the happy side of things, yesterday was the first Saturday morning training for my 5K group at Fleet Feet Buffalo. I was definitely skeptical of how I was going to manage doing short runs in the conditions we have lately – snow banks, ice, fun stuff. But it turned out to be great! Yes, we did have to trudge through some poorly maintained sidewalks at the beginning and end of the workout, where we're just walking anyway), but otherwise the roads we walked and ran on were pretty OK. These first workouts are mainly walking, like so: 5 minute warmup, (4:30 walk, 30 second run) x 6, 5 minute cool down. Sounds pretty easy, right? Especially considering what I have built up to on my own so far. BUT! Much to my surprise, it pretty much kicked my butt. I guess the combo of adverse conditions and working out within a group pushed me in a way that I don't when I am on my own.
|My Fleet Feet No Boundaries 5K training group! |
(I am in the back row under the second e of the second double e.)
So yes, joining this training group is one of the best things I have ever done for myself, truly. I'm getting challenged in an awesome way, twice a week with the group. (Unfortunately I have to miss this Tuesday's training, but will make it up on my own.)
Despite feeling like I am teetering on the brink of disaster, I'm really not. Not when I lay out all the things I've been doing, which are super fantastic. Speaking of which, my yoga mat is calling.