Goal-setting for Team 2019, Part 1

It's that time of year, isn't it, when everyone makes resolutions to lose weight or quit smoking or start exercising, etc. etc. We all know by now that resolutions generally don't turn out well and that people burn out on their intentions before January is out.

That said, I still love to make a list at the end of the year of things that I would like to accomplish. I'm a list-lover in general, especially to-do lists! And I like the idea of challenging myself and seeing how far I can get with a new idea or something I've always wanted to do, or something that I've tried in the past but never quite achieved. Try, try again, right?

So I won't call these resolutions but rather just... intentions. Goals too, yes. Stuff I'd like to do. Stuff that the person I really want to be would get done. I may will add to this list in the coming days, but for now, here are things at the fore of my mind.

+ Read 36 books. In 2018 I set a rather lofty goal of 48 books for the Goodreads challenge. There are still a few days left in the year, but I'm not going to meet that. I'll probably end up with 34, which is still pretty good! I want to set a goal that I will meet this year, so 36 seems infinitely doable in comparison to how things went this year. I did have a couple reading dry spells so honestly 48 should not have been out of the question, but at three books a month, 36 sounds like a good compromise. I read all kinds of books -- novels, history, memoir, short story collections, how-tos (like crafty stuff), graphic novels -- of all different sizes, from the very long and lofty to the easy breezy.

+ Health and Fitness. As you probably know, I've stopped focusing on my weight and weight loss efforts in this blog, however because it's part of my life it will pop up now and again. Today seems like a good day for an update on that front.

I've been fretting about my weight mainly because of how uncomfortable I've become in the past year. Last I was talking about it I was hovering in the 330s after having lost a bit doing an experimental bout of Whole30 back in September. Since October or so, I stopped any sort of weight loss efforts or food logging or weighing or anything. I needed a mental break from all that crap. I hate diet talk and was feeling really hypocritical; plus I was just sick of thinking about it all the time (even though all that aside I still think about it all time, ugh). This morning I decided to hop on the scale for a reading, but left my socks on and already had the day's jewelry on (LOL! Yes, I really think these things matter). I was thinking that I was close to 350 based on how I feel, but was pleased (pleased!) to see that I clocked in just at 340.

This means two things: One, I am still at the lost over 30 pounds thing (I started at 372 back in late 2014) to count for the National Weight Loss Registry, and two that things are not quite as bad as I thought and that I am not beyond saving. I know. That last statement sounded weird, but honestly? I've been feeling beyond saving at this point. I've been feeling that bad. If I lost 20 pounds right now I assume that it would make me feel a lot better, knowing how I felt the last time I was in that ballpark. It is so doable it's ridiculous.

I also see myself (and my partner) getting back into being more active people, going for hikes regularly and playing tennis a few times a week in the good weather. But it will be really hard to do that if I don't lose a few pounds. It's seriously fucking me up.

Can I just say here? I love all those ladies who are in the social media spotlight being fat -- even really fat -- and living the good life. I love them because they are unapologetic for their size and because they dress up, they doll up, and they put themselves out there in a very vulnerable position. But, I ask myself a lot: Are they really physically comfortable? Do they have a ton of aches and pains like I do? Don't they get frustrated dealing with so much flesh sometimes? They make being fat look really easy, and I can tell you: It's really, totally, so NOT.

And that is why I still would like to lose weight even though it pains me to say it. Because it will continue to pain me if I don't. At least, that is the assumption. I guess we'll see once I get there, but honestly? It is a fair assumption.

My goodness! I didn't expect to be writing this much on this topic again, but there it is. So in 2019, I want to reclaim myself in wellness, and for me that means losing some weight whether anyone likes it or not. I don't have a specific goal, although just getting back under 300 is something that is doable and where I did feel comfortable, so...

+ Education. I am still trying to make it happen in January, but if nothing else I'll be heading back to school in August for Environmental Studies at my local community college. The spring semester starts on January 14th, so hopefully I can get all my ducks in a row in time for that. In the meantime, I've been studying stuff like algebra and trigonometry on my own -- I know that I am going to need advanced math at some point and I want to be sure that I'll be able to keep up! This is totally taking myself out of my comfort zone, but will be totally worth it. I have always labeled myself as someone who is "bad at math," and I am ready to prove that wrong.

+ Art. I need to settle on a studio space. I thought I would abandon my basement room for the first floor spare bedroom, but that room still has so much other stuff in it, I can't get settled even though I bought a nice (used) work table for it! I'd like to get the basement cleaned up (it's a mess from being abandoned for a couple years) and get my art shit together so I can work comfortably again.

Then, I am going to have a pop-up show coming up in early February to get ready for. I don't even know how much work I need to make yet, I'd better find out! I'll be doing a series of fantastical landscapes largely based on our cross-country trip.

I'd like to buy a nice, big sketchbook and start filling it up with experiments and just have fun making art again in 2019.

+ Blogging. I was much less active here as a blogger in 2018 than practically ever before. I want to change that in 2019 and would like to post at least twice a week, or for a total of at least 100 posts for the year.

Ready for Real Life Again

Christmas day is almost over, and I am glad for it. *cue Grinch music*

Christmas has long been a tough holiday for me, and it turns out it is for my partner as well. It's a crap shoot how any given year will go, so I tend to just kind of... ignore that it approaches, more or less? We're both atheists and so the holiday has no special religious meaning, just purely cultural if nothing else. We have our traditions, like always watching the Rankin/Bass animated specials and movies like Die Hard that are Christmas movies that you always forget are Christmas movies. And of course we always plan on a delicious meal including ham. But that's about it. Some years I put up my white artificial tree, some years (like this one) not.

This year I felt especially disengaged from the whole thing, and overall there has been definitely been a depressive veil hanging over us for a while. (Yes, despite all the good stuff I've been talking about depression has been hanging around in various strengths throughout the year.) Come the big day I realized that it might have been nice to have some hints of festivity, including some gifts, which I just did not do – it never really seems to matter but I think they really do, even just some little things, something shiny to speculate on and rip open excitedly... I'll be better prepared next year.

Despite all that we had a pretty OK day eating leftovers from the delicious meal I put together yesterday, taking a long afternoon nap together, watching things like A Christmas Story and JFK assassination stuff and senior tennis matches. I also managed to throw together a batch of Christmas cookies – the zebra shortbread cookies from Bon Appetit – and they were pretty and delicious. (There's a photo up on my Instagram if you're interested in seeing them a la Amy G.)

I'm back to work tomorrow and feel relieved that the holiday season is now behind us. Yes, there's new year's eve, but that's not quite as loaded for me and kind of another non-event. I'm looking forward to a fresh start and just living life like normal again without all the pressures that end of the year holidays seem to bring – and that's even the way we do things, which is not to subscribe to hardly any of it!

2019 Word of the Year: Initiative

One of my favorite bloggers/online people asked the question: What is your word of the year going to be for 2019? It's a great question; better than thinking about the cliche resolutions for the new year, I think! And so I have been thinking about this a lot since I got Anne's email, and today, it just popped into my head on the way into work.

Initiative.

Because things have really been happening lately it seems. Part of it is stuff finding its way to me (more well-timed freelance work, for example), but a lot of it seems to be coming from my own efforts. In particular:

+ I finally worked on and finished my friend's commissioned painting
+ A result of doing that painting was not just money, but also an exhibition opportunity and the impetus to make more art sooner than later -- no procrastination (OK, maybe a little!)

+ Speaking up at work expressing an interest in filling a gap that will result from a colleague's retirement, and actually getting quick feedback and moving forward with an eventual shift in position!

+ Having sparks of ideas for cool morale-boosting programs to do at work (a written interview series about all the cool people who work here, and an accompanying podcast), letting the right people know, and getting the response that "great minds think alike" and that those things have been germinating in a similar way to what I envisioned, and maybe I might be able help out with it? (I REALLY hope something comes of that!)

I literally just had those things pop into my head as I was driving to work this morning, and I wanted to act on it right away before it left the fore of my brain. Initiative.

So, how I can I keep this momentum through and into the new year? These are my next ponderings.

Some nebulous stuff for now:

+ Continuing to work on how I handle money in better ways, and finding more ways to make more money

+ School and maybe volunteering

+ Health stuff (so important, really took a back seat in 2018)

+ Continuing professional and personal development

I also just want to think more about what initiative means in the larger scheme of things.

Do you have a word you'd like to focus on in 2019?

Positive Vibes

So, that dress I bought on super sale at Kmart last I wrote? I finally tried it on and discovered that it is actually a romper. A ROMPER, folks. Ugh. Not to mention what I didn't notice when in the throes of olympic-level shopping (i.e. fighting crowds during a store closing sale) how crappy the fabric is. I mean, kind of duh on my part, but... another checkmark goes in the slow fashion column. Quality over quantity, dudes and dudettes. I don't know why it's so hard to get through my head! (It's not really... I think more than anything it's about lifelong habits going back to shopping at Hills as a kid or something. Don't get me wrong, I loved shopping at Hills with my mom. I remember spending what seemed like hours there, poring through all the clothing racks and picking what to put on layaway... quite frankly, those are really nice "Mom" memories. I also remember shopping for expensive Jordache jeans and Bastaad clogs. I'm not sure how my divorced working Mom managed it, honestly!)

But I digress. The whole experience is making me crave that rebuilt wardrobe even more now, so much that I think I'm going to start a sinking fund for it as I realize how important it seems to be. I also envision revamping my underwear drawer: 10 pairs of comfy black socks, 10 pairs of (preferably black) underwear, a few bras I already own. Currently the underwear situation can be described with one word: Chaos. I never know where my socks are, they are often mismatched, and god forbid I get into an accident that anyone outside my partner sees my stretched out, overworn underwear. Just sayin'.

The first and only painting made in 2018, for my friend Maria based on her travels to Finland.

I'm feeling pretty good today. One reason is that last night was an ibuprofen dose night (I'm always good for almost the whole next day), and another is because all the sudden I find myself with all kinds of cool opportunities. I take it month by month based on the income I lost when I stopped teaching online, but you know? Things have been mostly OK. And now, these next few weeks will be even better. I got a new freelance logo design gig; I finally finished a commissioned painting for which I'll receive final payment for tonight; I had an offer for a pop-up art exhibition in February featuring my new foray into landscape painting (!) after a couple years' hiatus from painting all together and... I am starting training for a new position at the company I've been full-time at since August. It means a pay raise, though I won't know how much until it's clear that it's a good fit -- we're doing a trail/training period and if all goes well, it'll happen! I'm very excited about it. It's in a slightly different area (data management) though I will still be on the same "team" so to speak. And I'll still be able to offer support in the kind of work I am doing now (word processing proposals and other documents). I see it all as a very win-win and I get to learn something new and have a skill set that will benefit the company even more.

I know a lot of people don't like change, but to honest? I kind of thrive on it. I feel that in a short time I'm already well-valued here and to me, this offer says a lot about what my boss and others think of me and what I have to offer. It feels good! I really like going into the new year with all these positive vibes. 2018 was a real roller coaster for me, and while everything ended up turning out really well, I'm ready to say good bye to it and never look back.

Snippets

Well, it's been a minute. Or two.

I've been... busy? Kind of. Not really, to be honest. Mostly it's I've been in pain and a little sad and thinking a lot about writing but not having the energy (LOL) to do it. It's kind of ridiculous, but... it is what it is for now. I'll come back to that later.

In the interest of not falling off the face of the planet with this cherished personal space, I'm going to do random thoughts in list format. Fun, right?

+ Slow fashion. This is something that I've been thinking about a lot, as I have hinted at in past fashion-related posts. I would love to dedicate my closet to more eco and ethical brands of clothing one day, but I am still far away from that. Our local Kmart is closing, and I just bought two pairs of leggings, a dress, and a shirt for under $30. I plan to go back and hopefully score more leggings, actually ($4 each!)... but have mixed feelings about it. On one hand, this is disposable, "fast" fashion at its worst; on the other hand I suppose I could justify it knowing that I will wear the crap out of those clothes. Because my wardrobe is pretty small right now, anything I wear gets worn a lot, so I guess that is good. Those items won't go to waste.

+ The holidays. We don't really "do" the holidays so much at my house. Some years I will get the itch to throw up some decorations or even put up the tree, but some years not. This year I am feeling in-between. I still haven't put anything up yet, but have been wanting to bring out the couple little 2- and 3-foot trees I have and making some bourbon hot chocolate (with marshmallows!) and watch Rankin-Bass's Rudolph one night soon. I do have an evening with my mom planned for next Friday, just a casual take-out dinner in and probably watching bad Hallmark movies and just catching up on each other's lives. I miss that. My partner and I will get a nice ham for holiday dinner (not necessarily on Christmas or Christmas Eve) and aside from that, my dance card is empty, just the way I like it.

+ Chronic pain. Having pain all the time really, really sucks, and I've been feeling this way in some form or another since our cross-country trip in May. It's mostly about my feet but in general, all over, I hurt. It travels... sometimes it's more in this foot, or that toe, or that arm, or my back hurts as I am cutting up vegetables for dinner. I take ibuprofen regularly but try not to every day if I can help it. Waking up in the morning is when it's at its worst, and after I've been in the car a while, or getting up off the couch. I feel like I am 90. I do have my annual physical scheduled in early February so I am just waiting for that to get diagnosed with anything, or maybe it's just because I'm f**. (Trying to avoid spammers.) I know my doctor well enough now that I don't think he will just jump to that conclusion automatically, but you know, maybe it is the reason. It's just that I've been heavier than this and NEVER felt like this before. Also, my right hand cramps suddenly, often. I'm pretty sure that's carpal tunnel, but still. I am falling apart, in stark contrast to how I was feeling less than a year ago. It's so depressing. It makes me sad, and it makes me want to give up on everything and so I've been eating like crap, too. Catch-22. I've got to get off the carousel.

+ I love my job. I do. I am so happy that I found my way to this place. Professionally, I had a roller coaster year but it was all worth it. I had been unhappy in the two jobs I had (but didn't think I could live without), and while the way in which I extricated myself from them wasn't optimum, I finally let go (by getting let go) and I wish I had done it long ago. My only regret in that regard was not leaving on a good note in both instances. The job I am in now has inspired me to take my career in a different direction that I am really excited about, and allowed me more free time (my evenings and weekends are MINE to do with what I please!), and... I feel like I am doing something that matters, even on a small scale at this point. Plus, I've figured out ways to make the household budget work despite not working a second job anymore.

+ Speaking of budgets... For the past year or so, I've been working on improving my credit score and getting myself into a better position financially. I'm happy to say that one of my FICO scores has gone up by about 80 points (I hate that the three major bureaus are all different!) and I made good progress on paying off debt and! I even got my student loans out of default. (I know, stupid!!!) Another point of pride is that while I am still living paycheck to paycheck most of the time, I haven't overdrawn my bank account in a long time. That is something that used to be not such an unusual occurrence! My whole adult life I've never been good with money and have made a lot of bad decisions, so it feels good to be headed in the right direction. It's not happening super fast, but I'm getting there. (I still need to stop getting lunch out on weekdays, what a money suck!)

+ Wine and spirits. Yesterday I was making a recipe that called for a dry white wine, so I did a little research and ended up buying a ten buck California sauvignon blanc, Geyser Peak. It's the first time I've made a personal effort to drink this type of wine, and I must say, I really liked it! My partner hates California wines for some reason (he is very French, Italian, and Spanish-centric), but whatever. I'll try anything and I'm glad I tried this one. It had a bright, fruity flavor, not that dry to my palate. Plus, it went wonderfully in the shrimp risotto dish I made.

 I also decided to treat myself to some Cointreau while on the same liquor store trip. We're going to be making that bourbon hot chocolate that I mentioned earlier, soon, and I want to add a bit of orange flavor to mine. Perfection!

I'll leave you with those snippets of my life for now, and hope to be back soon! What have you been up to?

On Speaking Up.

NOTE: I started writing this post on 11/9, this past Friday.

I'm feeling kid of blah today when I should be celebrating! It's FRIDAY! Woo!

It snowed today for the first time of the season. It was pretty!

But I don't know, I just feel kind of down and blah and tired and...

I guess the main reason the wind is out of my sails is because I'm feeling self-conscious. I actually spoke up today at work about some concerns I had about being heard and feeling part of the team. It felt... very awkward even though I got good feedback from my boss and from my co-worker. It's a slightly weird situation in which I've come in to a small team of two women who have both worked for the company close to 30 years doing the same job. Things are changing and moving along and they are too, but as the new person who's only been around for six months, it's an interesting dynamic. I won't bore you with details and I can assure anyone that I do like my co-workers and I am very happy at my job. I realized during the convo, and said, that I think part of it for me is that working for this company makes me so ambitious! I want to do stuff, I want to contribute, I want to get shit done, you know?

But I have to be patient with how things are now and the fact that I am still the new person in our little office. My boss has told me this before, too. I know she is supportive and sympathetic.

One thing that my one co-worker who was part of the discussion (the other one was out today) was that while I feel like I am not being heard, she feels like I have to disagree with everything they say. (So, to be more clear, we're talking about formatting/designing documents. I have a professional and educated background in graphic design, while no one else in my area does -- though my two co-workers have been doing this for decades.) Hey, I don't dispute what she is saying, because I do often find myself disagreeing and saying so when it seems appropriate, which is... often.

I need to learn to step back a bit and take things in before I try to really inject what I feel I have to offer, I think. I guess I am not used to doing that! It feels uncomfortable. Part of me feels sorry that I did speak up, but part of me is relieved. Growing pains, I guess. It was nice to have that conversation in the open and with my boss present so that she knows what the concerns are about all around, not just me and not just them.

So there was that, but also remember how I mentioned emailing my favorite parfumier about collaborating artistically somehow? I did get a nice response from someone at the company saying that they are actually rethinking their marketing and that she'll pass along my info and links to that team to see if there is a potential fit. Hey, it's better than just a flat-out no. I still doubt anything will come of that inquiry but you honestly just never know.

Speaking out can be scary! But it can also be really good for you.

I feel like I am still getting my sea legs at work. I mean, I feel very comfortable doing the work I am doing, and I like the people I'm working with in general (although it really bothers me when someone says that they don't like cats -- I have a hard time getting around that), but I am still having trouble fitting in and I'm trying to figure out why.

Thoughtdump. (But Not Just Politics.)

Politics, yes, but keep reading for non-political thoughts, too.

Today is... a total mixed bag. I was SO pumped up yesterday after voting (which I did first thing in the morning because I was so excited, was number 26 in my district!) and really hopeful. You can probably guess that I was routing for a massive shift in the opposite direction for our government this election. To say that I am not a fan of 45 is an extreme understatement. But, there were more local races that I had my eye on, too. I have lived in New York state my whole life, and while everyone knows it's a reliable blue state on the surface, what many don't know is that there are rather large swaths of the population that are quite conservative and vote red consistently. Basically, if it weren't for New York City and a couple other larger cities in the state, New York would be a solid red, or at least a swing state. Niagara county, where I live, is one of those places generally. It gets really discouraging to see.

So, I was pretty sure incumbent US Senator Kirsten Gillibrand (D) wouldn't have a problem keeping her seat. She won handily with 66% of the vote over her Republican challenger. Hooray!

The good news in New York state is that its government has flipped back into a democratic majority. I was very disappointed about some local races, though. The first one was for the seat held by incumbent Congressman Chris Collins (R), who has been under investigation/indictment for felony insider trading; he actually WON. He won. Do you know by how much? ONE percentage point.

This right there, folks, this is why it is so important to get out and vote. People think their vote doesn't matter, doesn't make a difference? It sure can, and it sure does.

I'm still shaking my head over why people want to re-elect someone who's got a felony charge hanging over his head.

Another race that I was excited about was Carima El-Behairy's race against incumbent State Senator Chris Jacobs (R) in the 60th district. I've known Carima for almost 20 years and was so hopeful that she would get elected there. Unfortunately I don't live in the 60th and couldn't vote for her myself, and it was too late before I realized that I could have still been actively supporting her since lots of people I know do -- we have quite a cut-up puzzle of districts here in western New York (oh, you know... gerrymandering). Carima put up a good fight but fell short with 42% of the vote.

Meanwhile, in my district, the 62nd, republican incumbent Rob Ortt ran practically unopposed for the second time in a row. That's right... no one challenged his State Senate seat in 2016. For shame. This time, he actually did have a challenger running under the Green Party line -- except very few people knew about him! In fact, I didn't find out about Peter Diachun until just over a week ago. Even then, I couldn't find out much about him except that he was a retired chemist running on a shoestring budget with the strict intention of only holding office for one session in order to get the New York Health Act passed. I emailed him expressing support and he sent me a link to his website, which I hadn't been able to find on my own, funny enough.

I wish I had been able to support him better, too! As you might imagine, he did not come close to winning the seat, with just over 10% of the vote. Sadly, 20% of the 62nd district voters chose not to cast a ballot at all for this office -- it was recorded that they left that circle blank on their ballots.

For shame.

I've learned a few things about myself during this election.

+ I need to be more proactive in learning about candidates and what my choices are way before the actual election (duh)

+ I need to pay attention to local races going on around me so that I can be supportive of candidates that I feel are deserving, even if I can't vote for them myself.

+ I want to become more active politically, somehow.

+ I want to pay more attention in general. Since the 2016 elections, I admit it -- I've been burying my head in sand a lot! But that will get anyone nowhere, am I right?

+ I'm realizing that my ambition to go into environmental science work is indeed a political act in itself, which makes me even more excited about it.

One proactive thing I did when I voted this time was ask the polling place workers how I could volunteer during future elections. It turns out that, bonus -- they actually get paid, paid well, and tax-free to boot! Also, in my voting district, they're in desperate need of workers. So I actually followed up and called my Board of Elections and left my name to be considered. The man I talked to on the phone this morning was actually really grateful to hear from me! He told me how busy the polls had been yesterday and how short they were of workers, and was also glad to hear from a younger person. I had to laugh at that one and made sure to correct him on that! But it sounds like (and seems like) many polling place workers are on the older side, so... I guess in comparison I'm a spring chicken.

I'm excited to be part of the process next year!

+ + + + + + + + +

In other news, er, thoughts...

I haven't weighed myself in a while, and I think I am going to stop food logging. I feel like I've been doing OK with my eating and really trying to pay better attention to what my body needs. I just don't feel like fussing so much at this point. As you know, this will likely change again in the future, but for now, this is what feels right.

I keep almost pulling the trigger about starting to make art again! It feels like an itch that I am going to have to scratch really soon. That said, I had one of my older small paintings sell at a group show I had a few paintings in recently, so that felt great. I also have a commission that's been in the works for almost two years now that I finally told the client (a very old friend of mine!) that I'm just going to set a real deadline so that it just gets done. So, by December 15th, Maria will finally have her Finland painting! Hooray! I also have a pile of small canvases that I am anxious to put something down on -- portraits, more houses, animals, still lives... I just want to try all those random ideas floating around in my head.

I have a deadline. It starts now.

(I've always worked far better with a definite deadline; don't ask me why.)

I did a crazy thing and emailed my favorite parfumier to say how much I love her fragrances and how I would love to collaborate with her as an artist and/or graphic designer. I'm sure nothing will come of it, but... you don't know until you ask the question. So I asked!

I'm trying to think of other "crazy" things I can do to get side work that I love and believe in.

Budgeting is still a priority but all kinds of things have happened this year, and it's been a roller coaster. I want to make paying bills and saving money easy. Is easy the word? More automatic? I am constantly scribbling in my notebook making the money I earn at my day job work for the expenses we have, but it hasn't been easy without the buffer of all the part-time stuff I had been doing up until a few months ago. We're making due, it's not horrible, but I hate worrying about it. So I need to make a plan so that I can fix that. And I know I can. (I've been listening to lot of Dave Ramsey et al, discarding the Christian stuff and taking the rest. I can hack it!)

I'm excited about my future wardrobe but won't be able to fully implement it until I have some money set aside. It's OK. I can wait!

Phew, that was a lot. Let me ask you: Do you mind that I don't often post photos? Funny enough, for a very visual person my blogs tend to be pretty wordy.

In Response To... Minimalist Suggestions

If you've been reading along recently, then you know that I've been thinking a lot about clothes lately, and how I'm aiming to streamline my wardrobe into something really user-friendly and completely non-stress inducing. 

One of the things I enjoy in relation to all this is reading certain minimalist blogs. I am totally all for minimalism and the impetus behind it. AM I an actual minimalist, though? Um... no. I like the idea of it but I live my days with piles of books and magazines on most flat surfaces and piles of clothes anywhere that makes relative sense (oh, you know, piled on any flat surface, including the floor. Oops!). Anyway, I was reading one of my regulars and this post, 3 Types of Clothes to Declutter Today made me want to write a response. 

Spoiler alert! The three types of clothes mentioned include holey clothes/clothes that need repair, aspirational clothes, and nostalgic clothes. As a whole, I agree with the sentiment -- in most cases these kinds of clothes are often good for nothing any more. But somehow I feel the need to defend them! Let me take each category one by one:

Holey or otherwise compromised clothes. The post mentions so-called "ethical" bloggers who learn how to repair clothing so as not to contribute further to landfill, and to give a new lease on the life of beloved pieces. I LOVE those people. I can sew! I'm not fully embroidering things like you see in the link, but I do made hand-sewn repairs from time to time -- like the inseam of my last pair of black leggings, or replacing a button on a shirt or cardigan. I don't have a big pile of to-be-repaired clothes, so I don't even know why I'm harping on this except that I don't see anything wrong with having a reasonable pile to work on while you're bingeing on The Handmaid's Tale or re-watching the entire series of Twin Peaks. (I finally watched the first episode of The Handmaid's Tale last night, by the way -- holy cow is it good. And super depressing. And then I took a candlelit bath in lavender epsom salts and went to bed.)

Aspirational clothes. I actually have aspirational clothes that have become nostalgic clothes, ha ha! But seriously, I guess in the back of my head I still have this thing where I really think that I am going to lose all the weight that I would want to lose if someone just snapped their fingers and made it happen, i.e. to become a size 12 or 14 or something, and so I just utterly refuse to donate or sell the items I have in my closets or in a lonesome pile somewhere that fall under this category. They include:

• Things I bought when I was semi-close to being able to wear them, but never made it (from years ago but also within the past two years)
• Things I bought when they weren't even close to wearable but were super cheap on sale that I was just like fuck it (thanks, Target)
• Things that I used to be able to wear and still love and just won't give up on (also nostalgic)
• Things that I just love whether I was able to wear them at one time or not that I have grown to love as objects

There's everything from band t-shirts to pretty dresses to elaborate kimono to wool pencil skirts and winter coats to pink corduroy pants. Maybe I'll photograph or even draw them one day and share. Hm, maybe that could be my next art project!

Wrapping things up... ah, nostalgia. My favorite!

Nostalgic clothes. The main pieces I am thinking of here are a couple handmades. (Yes! I used to sew my own clothes! Yes! I should do that again!) But there are also things that are pure luxe that I would just never part with like the Christian Dior bra (size 34B, LOLOLOLOL), and the pair of champagne-colored satin tap pants that was part of a set (I wore the bralette to death) that I bought at Victoria's Secret in my early-mid 20s. Then there is the very special pair of Doc Marten brogue ankle boots that I got at Trash and Vaudeville in New York City in the mid-90s for super cheap -- I think it was thirty dollars? They had calves hair that has now all but balded off and they look kind of a fright these days, but I will never, ever give them up. Ever. I have never seen another pair like them and will likely never again. They are a real part of my personal history. So in cases like that, you know... 

Screw minimalism. Am I right? 

Still, I am inspired to create a special place to store these special items instead of just having them randomly among things that would wear every day, or stuffed off in some closet. (By the way, I am LOLing again because what hangs in my closets are the things I never wear, while the things I do wear languish in piles of clean laundry (dirty gets thrown in the hamper, I am not a total cretin!).

My takeaway here is individual priorities. I think I have plenty of room for minimalism-inspired action in my life, but I do not have to let it dictate how I live, either.

Can I Tell You?

Can I tell you?

I'm having a moment where I just really don't want to write about weight loss anymore. Maybe this is just a temporary feeling, I don't know. I mean, I am still interested in losing at least a little more weight, to get down below 300 and stay there, but aside from that, I can't help but think,

What else is there to share that I haven't already over the past eight years?

I'm just on a continuous loop.

And I am a hypocrite. I hate diet talk, I hate all of it and yet I have been very much a part of that world for a long time. I want off  the merry-go-round.

So I don't know. I like this blog, pretty much everything about it – the design I created for it, its name and the implications of it. I like writing for the (semi) public and getting meaningful feedback once in a while. But maybe it is time to shift focus, finally?

Maybe I will just let it happen organically. Watch this space; who knows, I may go back on this by next week.

I realized yesterday that I have a viewpoint about fashion. It's very personal and I'm not heading out to review new collections, nothing like that. But the more I think about my body and my relationship to it, the more I think about my clothes and how to construct my wardrobe... well, I love fashion as much as I hate the industry.

I posted a little bit yesterday on my Instagram with some kernels of thought on where my wardrobe is headed. It's been on my mind almost obsessively since then. I wrote about it in my journal – wants, needs, plans, preferences – and I'll share it here.

All Black, All the Time.

I need to get over myself once and for all and fully embrace the fact that I really, really love wearing all black and that I feel at my most comfortable when I do. Is this because I am fat? I don't think so, because this has been a preference for a long, long time – since I started college, pretty much, maybe a little inkling of it toward the end of high school. I'm not trying to hide anything really – or maybe I am, but like whatever? You know? At the same time, all black is SO practical and easy (except for the constant battle with cat hair and lint. Some fabrics are worse than others!). I can put anything I own together and it makes an outfit. I can spill something on me and it's not a total disaster if I can't fix it right away. And, if I DO want to wear some color, it makes for great counterpoint/backdrop.

Much of my base wardrobe now IS black, but honestly? Not enough.

By the way, what happened yesterday was... I need to do laundry, and I pulled out a little dress that I haven't worn much at all. It's white with dark blue stripes and an empire waist. I paired it with some LuLaRoe patterned leggings and threw a black cardigan on top, but it just didn't work for me. I was stuck, though. Honestly I felt mentally uncomfortable all day even though the clothes were physically comfortable. Today? Same thing. I made the mistake of wearing a blue cardigan that is too tight in the arms and so the sleeves doesn't come down to my wrists and stay. I actually quite like the color, but the problem with this piece? It just doesn't fit well enough.

It's these two days in a row of wearing clothes out in public that has really made me realize how important it is to get my fashion house in order, once and for all.

Base Wardrobe.

Right now, my base wardrobe consists of:

• A half-dozen black jersey dresses from Old Navy
• A couple black fine-knit cardigans 
• A bunch of patterned LuLaRoe leggings and down to one pair of black leggings
• A cap-sleeved black cable knit buttoned-down vest-type thing
• A long-sleeved J. Jill black tee that is in desperate need of replacing
• A plum long-sleeved jersey tee (for layering underneath things)
• A long-sleeved flowy black thing that has one button at the top, kind of Japanese looking
• Two pairs of Hush Puppies suede boots, one black and one burgundy
• Two pairs of oxford shoes that I shouldn't wear anymore because of my foot troubles

I want to buy as much as I can from Universal Standard, but that will take time because quality don't come cheap! Regardless, here is my list of like-to-buys:

• Two or three more black leggings
• Three black crew-neck fine-knit cardigans. In the past I've bought them at Old Navy and Target, but ideally I'd like to up my game for higher quality since this is stuff I wear all the time
• One or two long-sleeved black crew neck tees from Universal Standard
• A few more black jersey dresses from Old Navy (sleeveless and long-sleeved)
• A pair of clogs
• A good pair of oxford shoes (something with good support, unlike the cheap ones I've had in the past)

I Want To...

• Start almost totally fresh
• Have mainly black core pieces and maybe other colors for layers
• Keep only my most favorite LuLaRoe stuff, try to sell or donate the rest
• Stock up on comfy, decent undies, bras, socks
• Build a cute bandanna collection
• Get a few more pieces of jewelry that I really like
• Buy one real quality piece for my wardrobe once every month or two (from places like Universal Standard)
• Have a "special clothes" container for stuff I have loved over the years but can't wear for whatever reason. Look, I just have stuff I don't ever want to give up, but it will be good to have it in a place separate from stuff that I do wear. #sorrynotsorry
• Stick pretty much with a uniform and not feel bad about it at all
• Play with color via accessories: Glasses, shoes, scarves/bandannas, nail polish, lipstick, even hair?

That's where I am for now. This weekend I'd like to finish sorting through all my clothes and be really discerning about what stays and what goes. Of course I'll be keeping enough for now to keep me dressed for a week without having to do laundry, LOL!

Will report back with an update. What are your feelings about clothes and getting dressed every day? I'd love to hear about your preferences, habits, and routines!

Just an Update

I kind of feel like I don't have much to say, but want to make a post anyway. Mainly, nothing much has changed since I last wrote which is OK, but also, like, really? Like I need/want to make some meaningful progress again already, but I am just not. Weight-wise I am more or less staying around the same. Last actual weigh-in on Sunday found myself at 333.2. Not great, but not terrible?

This past week we've had limited funds -- I'm transitioning from having lots of work, probably more than what was good for me, to just my full-time day job which makes for quite a difference in the budget -- and so cooking at home all the time and bringing lunches to work instead of getting take-out. Periods like this are kind of good in that it forces me to enact habits that I want to nail anyway (including not buying things I don't really need), but it's still kind of a bummer. I'm just really trying not to see it as a bummer. It's incentive.

And, after like a three-year hiatus, I'm truly itching to get back to painting, which would possibly replace all the other work I had been doing (mostly online teaching, plus freelance design work) and bring in the extra income I'd like to have. When I first lost my last full-time job back in late March, one thing I did was buy a bunch of small canvases and some other supplies with the intention of getting back into my studio practice, but it just never happened. So I have everything I need, and I love the idea of creating small paintings (we're talking in the neighborhood of 8" x 10") which are more affordable and easier for many people to justify buying for their home. Selling just a couple or few pieces each month would make a huge difference. So we'll see.

(Of course I want to clarify that making money isn't my only impetus to make art! Just a nice by-product that I'd like to exploit.)

So anyway.

I'm still dealing with massive foot pain, which now is creeping up my leg a bit to my knee, too. A nurse friend of mine recommended Oofos, which I remember seeing at my local running store back when I was doing that... so when I do manage to accumulate a bit of extra cash, I'm going to try them, at least at home.

What else? Nothing much else. Still making our way through Horror Movie October, which means I go to bed too late every night (midnight-ish instead of 10-ish). It is something we really enjoy doing together, though, even if it is a really passive activity, i.e. it's not tennis for sure.

More to come, I guess. Maybe tell me what you are up to?

Lazy Days / Deep Thoughts

Note: This first section was written a few days ago. I'm finally finishing the post today.

...I'm thoroughly enjoying being on vacation this week so far. I just really love being able to sleep in, or stay up late, or just sleep whenever it feels right. I love not having to get ready to go out and be presentable in public. I love just doing whatever I feel like doing on any given day. Staycations may not be the most exciting way to spend time off from work, but they can be very satisfying regardless.

I did put some activities on my calendar – things I wanted to get done while at home, to feel at least kind of productive. So far, I've done just a little and I'm OK with that. Late this morning I spent a little time in the basement breaking down some of the many, many boxes I'd had thrown down there over the past few years. I didn't get the whole lot done but enough to feel satisfying. Otherwise I've been cooking a bit and watching a LOT of movies, which quite frankly is one of my favorite things to do. In October, it's even better – we have a tradition of watching at least one horror movie every day during the month, and then finish it off with a viewing of the original 1978 classic Halloween. At the moment we've got the first Nightmare on Elm Street playing in the background.

Food-wise I'm doing OK. I'm mostly doing what amounts to intermittent fasting, I guess, waiting to eat my first meal until early afternoon. Today I tried a new recipe for sauteed pork chops with a crushed pretzel crust. Those were good and appropriately autumn-appropriate served with the roasted sweet potatoes and onions I put together, topped with some crisped (sauteed) sage leaves. I'm throwing together a homemade pizza in a little bit. So yeah, taking advantage of my free time to make as much food at home rather than rely on take out or fast food. I guess overall I can say that I'm feeling pretty good with the choices I'm making. I'm not indulging in "treats" too much, but I did get some bulk gummi bears (having a few at a time) and couple pints of ice cream (again, smaller portions over time, and a local brand of ice cream, Perry's, that is much less calorie-dense than something like Ben & Jerry's), and I'm having a couple-few beers here and there.

I landed on the decision to weigh myself every other Sunday, so that I am aware of what's going on but not obsessing with daily weighing. My last weigh-in put me a just under 330 (329.8), which is a couple pounds below last time. Still not where I was finishing up Whole30, but I'll take it.

There are other things on my mind, though! I've mentioned recently that I will be going back to school in January to begin coursework for an Associate's degree in Environmental Studies at a local community college, which I am really excited about! But lately since doing more research about where to take it beyond that, I'm even more so. Originally my thought was to continue on...

(Today)

to get a Bachelor's from the local state university, but I did more research and found that there is a program that offers more of what I am looking for, is completely online, and actually costs LESS per credit hour! So I'll likely go on to study at Oregon State U's online program pursuing either Environmental Sciences or Fisheries and Wildlife Sciences (see comparison of the two here, if you're interested!) I am soooo excited about my further education now that I've found these options, and I won't have to wrangle a crazy schedule between full-time work and getting to classes (many of which are NOT offered online locally – some are though, which is nice).

It's nice to have something major like that to look forward to, not to mention going into a field I never thought I would before a couple months ago. Part of that, I realize, is simply because I didn't even know that the jobs that many of my co-workers do even existed. (Scientists of all stripes, project managers, GIS specialists, etc. etc.)

My vacation is now almost over. It's Saturday and I'm a little sad, but because I do really like my job I don't mind going back too much. Getting dressed in the morning will be the worst part. I didn't get things done like I had kind of intended to in advance, but I did get down to the basement to tidy up a bit – broke down a bunch of boxes, sorted through some things that haven't seen the light of day in forever, put things in piles, etc. etc. That felt good. I still might do more before the weekend's over. But, I didn't do outside cleanup and I didn't do any cleaning inside, I didn't make any art... I basically just relaxed a LOT and watched a shit ton of horror movies (and some regular ones, too).

Since I started writing this post, my eating has been just kind of, whatdyacallit, normal? In other words, nothing extreme in any direction. Almost intuitive. I may get on the scale tomorrow morning or I may wait until next Sunday. It feels to me like I haven't gained anything and maybe dropped a pound or two. I still have aches and pains. My right foot has been really troublesome, I am suspecting plantar fasciitis and it's just not getting any better. My left arm/shoulder is still being stupid too and I am still mystified by what happened with that. The foot issue raised its ugly head a couple days into our cross-country trip in May, so I am assuming it was all the driving that caused it.

I do have health insurance now, but my employer only offers high deductible plans and so until my FSA kicks in come January (long story, but it is what it is) affording a doctor visit is not in the cards. That said, I know that losing some more weight would likely help my foot. (I'm in semi-denial about that, but whatever.) Either way, it's frustrating for multiple reasons, personal and political. I guess in the meantime ibuprofen will be my best friend. (I've been avoiding taking it most of the time, but last night it really did wonders, so...)

Ugh, well, I guess I will wrap this up so that I get something up and out. Maybe I'll head back down to the basement for a while.

Doing the Best You Can with What You Have... and Vacation!

A week later...

Not much is new. I haven't been quite getting to where I want to be, but I haven't been too off the rails (well, maybe a little bit). I have been doing a couple things on the positive side:

• Eating decent dinners
• Not snacking at night
• Food journaling 
• Drinking lots of water

I've been trying to eat fairly healthy, balanced dinners and not too much. It hasn't been too hard to not snack in the evenings, though I have been drinking (keeping it to two drinks usually!). The food journaling is nothing too elaborate, just jotting notes in my little book about what I ate and how I was feeling throughout the day (no calorie or macro counting or anything). Water is easy for me, and not only do I drink it throughout my work day pretty constantly, I also love me some grapefruit LaCroix to go with meals. It's pretty rare that I have a diet soda anymore, and I don't miss it.

That said, I am still trying to figure out breakfast, and I'm still eating too much (or just plain crap, or both) at lunchtime -- those are my big challenges right now. BUT, I have off from work all next week so I am hoping that I can establish a new routine/plan to carry out of vacation mode with me. I have ideas but I really just need to sit down and figure out execution. It will be sooo worth it.

Another thing that will be nice during my time off is maybe getting an exercise routine back in place -- or maybe, would that be too much to try to do all at once? Then again, a simple short walk every day shouldn't be hard to do when I have nowhere to go and nothing to do. OK, well... not nothing, but no big obligatory things, at least.

I'm really looking forward to getting caught up on some things! My tentative list:

• Outdoor Fall cleanup (my poor yard is a shambles)
• Painting (art!)
• Indoor Fall cleanup
• Sorting through clothes and getting rid of a LOT
• Sorting through our vast library, maybe "weeding", maybe just organizing

OR it could just turn out that I end up sitting on the couch watching tennis and movies all week long. LOL?

I guess not.

The Issue of Clothes

Since I've gained weight back in the past year, I've pretty much stuck to wearing the same thing almost all the time: One of the half-dozen or so black jersey knit swing dresses from Old Navy and leggings and a cardigan. It's a look that I have enjoyed wearing over the years (and in variations, i.e. A-line skirts with tank tops and cardis) since I was in my 20s. But because I've been wearing almost nothing but those things for what feels like forever now, I'm becoming resentful of it.

Maybe resentful is not quite the right word. I mean, it's a look I feel very comfortable in mentally, it's very easy to put together, and it couldn't be more physically comfy, too. I don't have to think about what I'm going to wear in the morning getting ready for work, which is awesome.

(I should note here that I also have three LuLaRoe Carly dresses that I also sprinkle into my rotation. The Carly is a jersey dress with a high-low hem and pocket T-shirt styling. I'm not super crazy about the style but I like the prints I managed to find, and they're crazy comfortable with my usual cardigan with or without leggings.)

So what's the problem? I guess it is just that I realize that these are the only clothes in my wardrobe that I can wear right now, and it makes me mad.

I guess on one hand, why should it? I generally leave the house looking fairly presentable without much fuss. If I am comfy and public-ready, why should it matter? Even if I was smaller, wouldn't I want to be comfy as much as possible anyway? There are a couple things. One, I need to do another clothes clean out. I am embarrassed to say that I have a huge pile of clothes in my laundry area, stuff I haven't worn in months mainly because I don't even know what's in there. The basement, where the laundry resides, has become a huge pile of clutter and I hate going down there now, which doesn't help. It's building on my already existing anxiety surrounding clothes, so I need to fix that. (Maybe this weekend, even!)

Another thing is relating to what I wore to work yesterday. I have been scraping bottom of barrel with available clothes this week (i.e. I need to do laundry!) and I ended up wearing a pair of what are essentially yoga pants with my beloved Universal Standard t-shirt and a cardigan -- all black, of course. What horrified me as I looked back at my reflection in the mirror of the office ladies' room was how prominent my belly was without the benefit of being skimmed over with a dress. It's big, and it hangs low -- classic apron belly. I don't know, I was just kind of shocked at the sight of it again. I don't picture myself looking like that. (In case you're wondering, no, we don't really have full-length mirrors in the house. Bad idea, I guess.) Wearing something like yoga pants, which offer little to no support, made it worse. I felt really exposed! I really hate saying this, but because I value honesty especially when it comes to this stuff, I'm telling you: I felt like a monstrosity.

There's so much going on right now with me. There's the whole rebound from Whole30 that has been really upsetting, there's gaining back all the weight I lost while on Whole30 (I got on the scale two days before I'd planned on originally, and I'm back to 333 today), there's the clothes stuff, there's some intense personal/relationship stuff, there's the crap going on in our government stuff... and it is all really overwhelming and makes me really... sad? Sad and mad and frustrated and I just don't know where to go with it. I drank too much last night. I feel like hell today.

I still have not got my eating back on track. On paper it seems like it will be so easy. Sometimes it is! But now I've hit a brick wall, and it scares me. I know that I have to just keep trying, but... well, you know how it is. Some days you just don't have the fight in you.

For now I think that working on my wardrobe clean out will be a good place to go. I love the idea of minimal wardrobes (obviously) and think it is time to actually follow through and make it happen, and reframe where my thinking is at regarding my dear friends the black jersey swing dress gang.

***

Kind of Unrelated sidebar: This relates to my previous post about climbing mountains. I love this quote from a van-traveling married couple, in response to a question about how they stay fit on the road:

"We want to be ready for any and every adventure that life has in store. We train to stay strong for life!" Mr. and Mrs. Adventure 

Housekeeping and Resetting

Yesterday and just now this morning I have been trying to catch up on all the comments I missed responding to, many from back in August when I first announced my return. First of all, I’d like to thank all of you who read, who comment, and who provide support and feedback – it is so helpful to me as I kind of struggle along the path, knowing that I have virtual friends cheering from the sidelines and giving me high fives. (Well, that is what I like to imagine, at least.) I promise that I will be better responding to you, so keep it coming! 

But, I would also like to mention again about spam comments and those that are just like, “Have you tried this weight loss tea? It really helped me,” followed by some sketchy link. I’m just telling you that your efforts are in vain because I don’t buy into any of that and most comments that smack of gimmicky suggestions are promptly deleted. Now, I know that this mention won’t curb those comments from happening, not really, but just in case… it’ll save me a few keystrokes and mouse clicks. Thanks!

Now… let’s talk about resetting. Yes, AGAIN. I am here at this place once more, just a week after I decided to ditch the Whole30 and venture back into the real world where I thought I could just carry on without a hitch. As I have hinted at the past few days, things have not gone well. I’ve returned to eating pretty much crap most of the time. And having at least one drink every evening, just because. I knew that I had to get back to a better routine, but kept putting it off and having “one last treat” until my body sent me a very clear message last night:

WHY DO YOU HATE ME???

After I ate dinner, I could tell that I was in store for some heartburn. I could feel it coming on, so before I went to bed I made sure to squirt some mustard down my throat (cool home remedy that actually works!) and figured I’d be good to go. But, a few hours later I was awake and experiencing some really nasty heartburn and indigestion. I got up, went to the bathroom, and then tried my second home remedy, baking soda dissolved in water. I then laid back down in the guestroom (so I wasn’t disturbing my partner in case I had to get up again) next to the bathroom. I was able to fall back asleep, but it wasn’t a very restful rest of the night. I even had a dream in which I was at a party and explaining to people over and over about how I could only eat certain foods because I was doing Whole30, had they heard of that? My body was telling me in its own way what I needed and my mind followed right along.

You can imagine it was not hard for me to make the decision without hesitation to go back to the kind of eating I was doing on Whole30, and I started right away with breakfast this morning. I’m not super prepared for this right now so I kept it simple – three eggs and some baby carrots. I’m drinking green tea and water now as I sit at my desk at work. I’ll cobble together something easy from the grocery store for lunch, and I have chicken out to thaw for dinner. I already feel more at ease and hopeful, more in control again in just these few hours.

As I mentioned in my post-Whole30 post last week, there are some things that I won’t do, and I am not actually going to do a Whole30 as written. I’m not going to worry about whether something at a restaurant was cooked in non-compliant oil or has sulfites and I will use regular ketchup and mayo, but I am going to stick to eating mostly protein, veggies, fruits, and healthy fats. I’ll throw in a whole grain here and there, or a little bit of dairy. I’ll have butter instead of bothering with ghee (I didn’t like the taste of the kind I have).

Most of all, getting back away from obvious sugary stuff and alcohol and getting back into balanced meal mode. It must be done, most of the time and as much as possible.

So I’d like to send a shoutout to my cool body for telling me quickly what it needs and what it can’t handle. I’m hearing you loud and clear, dude! (Yes, my body is apparently a dude, LOL!) I’ve got your back. Thanks for being open and honest with me. I’ll repay you in kind.

Thinking About All the Things

It's been a rough few days since I said goodbye to Whole 30. So much so, in fact, that I am considering trying it again.

But before I go much more into that, I want to talk a bit about the things that are the reasons why I want to continue to lose weight. A few bad days is definitely discouraging, but it's not the end of the road. I have a couple new reasons why as well as reiterating old reasons.

1. I was really inspired by a co-worker who just announced in a meeting that she is to take some vacation time early in the new year to hike Mount Kilamanjaro! I had to refresh my memory as to exactly what and where that was, but I knew it was big. Oh yeah, you know... the tallest freestanding mountain in the world and the tallest in Africa. NBD. So, I really like hiking but we generally do pretty easy trails locally. Once in a while we'll find ourselves on one that is a little more technical or hilly than we're used to, but I'm taking like baby steps compared to anything like old MK. Not even baby steps. Embryo steps! I was very proud to have made it to the top of Mt. Olga in southern Vermont over the summer, which really just qualifies for mountain status at just shy of 3,500 feet. Kilamanjaro is over 19,000!

Anyway, the point to all this is that, you know, if I wanted to just go climb Kilmanjaro one day on a whim, I could. I want to be physically fit enough, if not slim and trim. In fact, I'm not really aiming for slim and trim. I'm aiming for... relatively fit, if that makes sense. Less floppy. Much less.

2. In the midst of deciding to make a potential career shift into Environmental Science and/or Studies, I realize that to work in the field (literally), it'd be to my advantage to have a reasonable level of fitness -- no matter which area I veer toward in the field (figuratively). As a dyed-in-the-wool creative person type, where did this come from? Well, I've been working for an environmental services company since May in the bids and proposals department, and I'm totally digging reading about what the company does and all the cool professions that exist that I didn't even know about before! My company offers a $5,250 education benefit each year to any employee who wants to further study in subjects relevant to their jobs and/or that would benefit the company. I am not one to pass up free anything, so I thought, How cool would it be to become a scientist of some type? I also felt that it would be amazing to take such a left turn in my career this late in the game, and how much I would enjoy the challenge of going back to school. Science and math terrify me, but maybe I just never gave them enough of a chance in high school or college. (I did do well enough in high school bio and chemistry, as well as geometry. But don't ask me about Earth Science or trig, please!)

3. I keep returning to the fact that I have a bunch of cute clothes to wear that I could wear up until late last year. SO. Many. And all I wear these days is any one of half a dozen black jersey dresses and leggings. I am so bored and frustrated with myself over that. My partner and I were texting today about our respective tough spots (mine being eating, of course), and he was just like, "I just wish you would go back down to the weight you were last year, because I know it makes you feel better." And he is totally right. And it's not that far away. 40-some pounds at this point?

4. Although I never, ever dare say it anymore, I would like to start running again. But, I hesitate to do so until I am closer to 300 pounds again, even though I have run heavier in the past. (I'm older now, obvi. And also, my "running" has been comparable to many a person's walking, so there you go.)

Anyway, I have lots of really good, legit reasons, and I owe it to myself. So there.

And Then I Ate...

I’m going to be completely honest with you, as I always am here: I did go off the rails, post-Whole30. Let me share. I don’t usually post food logs, but today I will, partially to just make better sense of what happened.

Well. First of all, I feel like this isn’t unusual. If I am embroiled in some routine that I feel resolute about sticking with, and then I let go? Something unhinges in my brain and it’s hard to click it back in place. I could feel that happen once I made the decision to stop doing W30. But, as you know, I also had a plan in place. I knew what I wanted my new routine/way of eating would look like.

When it came down to it, though, I think I was really ready for a break from it, from being so hyper-aware, and from being so diligent. My first day off W30 (my sick day) wasn’t too crazy, maybe just a little -- for lunch, it was eating some leftover regular pasta that I hated to see go to waste, with a pat of butter and a sprinkling of parmesan cheese, and at dinner it was eating some whole grain (quinoa), some not-so-whole grain (a hamburger bun) and a little bit of dairy (cheese on top of my stuffed peppers). Oh, and I had a beer. I mean, not exactly what I was planning on doing, but not the worst.

Yesterday, though, was another story and by dinnertime I went to a place I was kind of scared to go, but did anyway. I had a peach for breakfast, and leftover chicken and stuffed peppers (quinoa and cheese) and an assortment of raw veggies for lunch. I was planning to eat reasonably for dinner earlier on, but by the time 3:30 arrived I was feeling slightly angry and definitely ravenous and I just wanted to eat.

Long story short: Three slices of pepperoni pizza (though the way it was cut, was more like two slices from most other pizzas), two hot chicken wings, two and a half beers. But before that, I got from the store a pumpkin cake donut with icing and a very small amount of gummi bears -- just a taste. Just a taste. But that is all the stuff I put into the proverbial pie hole yesterday.

At this point I’m writing after a pause having returned from lunch break. I had gotten frustrated with something that happened at work and it was something, at that moment, I just couldn’t bear it. It was at a point in the day when I could just walk away for a while, fortunately, but maybe not: I walked out to my car, I started the engine, and I drove myself to McDonald’s and ate a two cheeseburger meal (medium with a diet Coke) and a hot fudge sundae. When I came back to the office, my co-workers were out on their break, so I took the opportunity to stuff the big chocolate chunk cookie I’d also purchased at the store last evening and wolfed it down, along with the remaining small amount of gummis. I just wanted it all gone.

I almost cried on the drive back. I’m actually very upset with myself right now. And while I know this is a blip on the timeline and not the end of the world, or the end of my efforts, I am left wondering what the hell happened? In two days, what happened to the resolve I had?

I’m struggling to figure out why a restrictive diet works so well for me but also blows up in my face. I really had little trouble during Whole30 keeping it together, and I liked the way I felt overall (except for the extreme fatigue, of course), and I liked the place I was in in relation to food and eating. I thought I had my sugar cravings conquered (ha! Not even a month, how silly!).

All of this is to say that… I don’t know. I’m feeling really vulnerable right now and a little scared. Part of me doesn’t want to eat anymore at all today but I don’t know how feasible that is. (Honestly, should be pretty darned feasible because I’ve been skipping dinner a lot lately.)

I’m not sure where to go from here but I do know that I have to be really, really careful of how much I let go even just for one day (which turns into two, and then three, and then…). I have to get back to the mindset of one day at a time, and of the idea of fueling my body with delicious food that also benefits it most instead of destroys. Over the weekend, I must be more mindful and careful.

A Day Off, and Off Whole30

I haven't been feeling so hot the past week or so mainly because it's that time of the month. Nothing new, I know, but its effects get me every time and have since I was a kid. It still gets me down! I was trying to stick it out at work this time, but when I woke up this morning I just. Couldn't. Do. It. You know? So I took a mid-week sick day.

I've also been doing more thinking about what to do with Whole 30 – keep at it, or just put it away. Having read some of what Michael Hull has said about it (and he did his research!) really made me reconsider. Some of what Whole30 founders posited is based in science, but a lot of it just isn't, or it's based on junk science. I feel like I should have known better or done my own due diligence before I launched into it, but like many others I was seduced by the idea that removing "known" inflammatories from my diet would be an interesting experiment. I mean, honestly? I still think it is, but after 16 days I'm realizing that my main impetus has been weight loss all along, so why not just go back to what I was doing along with the couple new things I've learned?

I'm not sorry that I gave it a try. But I'm ready to make some adjustments back to "the new normal".

Pros:

• I'm more in touch with my body's needs – my sugar cravings have improved dramatically, and while I still think about some of my favorite sweet treats, I've been satisfied with the fruits I've been eating. I'm very happy that I've pretty much broken the habit of having something sweet after every meal. That is a big one for me.

• My portion sizes have improved in general. I don't really snack between meals anymore.

• It feels good to know that I am not/wasn't dependent on alcohol. (To be honest, I was a little bit worried that I might be.) I missed winding down with a beer or a glass of wine but it didn't kill me or anything.

• I am learning how to deal with stressors without turning to food.

• I lost 9+ pounds in the first 16 days – yes, I got on the scale this morning.

• The scale doesn't have such a hold on me anymore. I still believe in daily weighing, but I think I will just check in on the scale every two weeks or so rather than every day, at least for a while.

• I found out that I don't have to be so dependent on certain foods in order to make a meal taste better. Case in point: The pulled pork and potato "nachos" I make are delicious without cheese or sour cream. Maybe I didn't quite miss cheese as much as I thought I did while in the middle of it.

• I ate a lot more veggies and really enjoyed it!

• I'm still not great at meal prep and taking lunches to work, but love when I do. It is one habit I will continue working on getting down.

Cons:

• A lot of what Whole30 is based on is junk science. *cue sad trombone*

• I was SUPER tired and achey the whole time, even more that when I started. It started to make me feel depressed and almost despondent.

• I really hated some of the especially picky parts of the restrictions, and like many others have reported, I felt like it screwed with my disordered eating side.

Lots of pros, right? So here's what I have decided to do moving forward:

• Continue to eat lots of veggies and fruits and healthy fats.

• Try to adhere to the meal template for every meal: a protein, veggies, and a healthy fat. In other words, balance.

• Continue to avoid added sugars, and to monitor my daily sugar intake overall, limit to 25g or so.

• Add back whole grains, but in a limited way. Same with my beloved legumes (black beans and all their buddies – small red, pink, white, chickpeas, kidney, etc.). I guess same with dairy, for that matter. They'll all be part of my diet, but not the major players they once were.

• I'll drink alcohol, but cut down overall. I won't rely on it to relax me when I'm stressed out or upset.

• I'll make room for "treats", but they'll be for special foods/occasions in general.

Technically, I have already broken protocol. Yesterday, I got some meat, salmon, potatoes, and fruit from Wegmans (grocery store) prepared foods bar for lunch. On the surface those are fine choices, but I don't really know what those things were cooked in so likely they would be out.

This morning I had a couple tiny sips of my partner's beer – ones I hadn't tried before. Like, literally two barely sips – but that would throw me back to day 1 of Whole30, if I was sticking with it.

That said, I'm not going whole hog back into everything right away. Aside from what I just mentioned, I'm still eating W30. I'll go back into the "forbidden" stuff as it presents itself and as it seems appropriate. I'm not going on a crazy binge today!

I'm very happy to have weighed in at 325.8 today. Great progress! I don't want to jeopardize that. One thing I will say is that despite the restrictive nature of W30, I have not felt lacking. Yes, I have been hungry here and there, but the hunger is different. I'm eating three full, balanced meals a day and not counting calories. I really, really love that, and honestly? That is how I would like to live: Filling my body with delicious foods that help it function at its best, and not worrying about numbers so much. Don't get me wrong, I love my numbers and stats, but I do think setting them aside for a while might continue to do me good.

Ideally I'll continue like this at least until the end of the year, and see if I can continue losing weight and still feel satiated and happy. And I'm hoping that my energy level will improve in the coming weeks, too.

It's been fun, Whole30! Smell you later!

Halfway to Whole30 – and Thinking about Giving Up

Today is Day 15, wow! I kind of can't believe I am still hanging in there, but on the other hand it's not really a hardship. Do I miss just eating whatever whenever I like? Of course. In fact, last night I had one of those famous food dreams. I won't go into too much detail but it involved huge donuts and quite frankly, I can't remember whether I actually ate them in the dream, so... oh well.

On Friday I thought for sure it was the end of it. I had a stressful event toward the end of the work day involving a fairly new bank account (basically, KeyBank froze my account and said that it was ditching me because they found out about an instance of identity theft back in 2011 and considered me too risky, or something -- thankfully I hadn't yet transferred all my stuff over to them yet, but it was still upsetting and stressed me out!), and after that I swear all that was on my mind was how much I wanted to drink and all the stupid things I wanted to eat. I even texted my partner: "I want to stop doing Whole30."

But, then he came back with how proud he was for me sticking with it and that just kind of popped me back into reality. I realized that I was also proud of myself for hanging in there and working on bettering my habits. Shouldn't a time like this be a good opportunity for me to find a new way to deal with stressors or quell my emotions? Long story short, I didn't quit and I didn't even slip. I consider this the second major learning "thing" – number two after having successfully attended a family get-together without crashing. Those things always, always involve a lot of food – a lot of foods that I really like to eat but are definitely not W30 compliant. What I did in that case was made sure to eat a filling meal before I went, but once I got there I realized that I would be hungry anyway and should have planned better. In the back of my head I figured that there would be something there I could eat, like a veggie plate or something – not to mention that I was really only going to see everyone and not to eat. Of course, this time no dice. There was literally nothing on plan... until my cousin unveiled a gorgeous, home-grown watermelon.And then shortly after that? She handed me a baggie of freshly-picked string beans from her garden. On top of that, her sister had some Fuji apple slices that she shared with me. All in all, it was a tasty and satisfying-ish makeshift meal. Lesson learned, though – in social situations, make sure to have a Plan B.

If nothing else, I appreciate that Whole30 is teaching me these new coping skills. I have always relied on food for so many things, and it feels totally freeing to have tools like these to use for the rest of my life. It's been worth the challenge only for that, but of course I am hoping that I'll reap other benefits as well.

So far my aches and pains have not gone away at all, and I am still really dragging, energy-wise. It's like I can't get enough sleep, even with nine, ten, eleven hours a day some days. I will say that I have had a much better quality sleep, though. I sleep like the dead.

As the day goes on and I'm writing this, I am finding myself wondering if I should throw in the towel, seriously. I'm reading lots of different things on various forums and blogs about Whole30 experiences, and... I don't know. I've made it this far and hate to give up, you know? I am just so tired of feeling so tired and there is no way to know if it's going to get better or if this is just it, i.e. no "Tiger Blood" for me. Then again? It seems like most days at around this time I go through this whole thought sequence and end up putting in another day. Best I can say at this moment is what I find myself saying so often: "We'll see."

Whole 30, Day 11

I'm still hanging in there! It's probably one of my toughest days today, which, according to the Whole30 Day by Day book, sounds pretty normal. But I can't give in. I can't throw in the towel – I'm a third of the way through, you know?

One thing that is not making it easier is that I got my period today. Again. (Second time in two months, which is a huge bummer as I make my way through perimenopause.) So yeah. The so-called Sugar Dragon is raging hard today, and I really had to talk myself out of eating not one, both the Larabars I had in my desk drawer. Larabars are technically compliant on W30, but recommended to use only in emergencies, if ever. So, after reading a number of posts on the online forum, I decided to pack the bars away until post-day 30. It's for the best.

I did have take-out lunch today from an old favorite, Panera – the Green Goddess salad, modified a bit. No dressing, olive oil instead. I probably made a mistake having them leave the bacon on (probably was cured with sugar and sulfites and whatever else that is NOT allowed), but I threw caution to the wind. No, I am NOT restarting, but I will tell you one thing: something did not taste quite right with that salad. Maybe I'm just used to my own delicious homemade versions so much now. I'll take it as lesson learned and to continue to work on improving my prep skills so I can avoid this kind of thing in my remaining days.

Randoms:

+ I'm getting sick of sweet potatoes. They are the bottom layer of my breakfast casserole this week and I find that I'm getting really put off by the flavor when I bite into it. Get this: Too sweet!

+ I LOVE yukon gold potatoes. I'm so happy regular potatoes are considered compliant on Whole30.

+ I have probably been eating too many pistachios. I could do that with macadamia, hazelnut, or cashew, but apparently pistachios should be enjoyed with stricter limits. Oops.

+ Another new fave: Capers. I had no idea how flavorful and yummy these were – a perfect addition to eggs, salad, veggies, etc. If I want to be honest I've been avoiding them for a long time without any cause.

+ I bought sardines and smoked rainbow trout but have not yet gathered up the courage to try them. I did used to eat sardines packed in tomato sauce back in college and loved them, but for some reason I am afraid of them now.

+ I need to make some homemade mayo. I'm not usually a big mayo person, but I want to make egg salad and tuna salad soon.

+ I'm still not sick of eggs, thank goodness.

+ I am really looking forward to wearing different clothes again once I lose more weight. I have so much to wear from last year and it breaks my heart. In the meantime, I have been wearing pretty much non-stop my collection of black Old Navy swing dresses with cardigans, and a couple LuLaRoe dresses. And leggings. All the time leggings. I cannot wait to wear pants again. And other dresses. And yes, I know I could get more clothes to wear now at the size I am, but a) I don't want to spend the money and b) I'm kind of using it as a reward to look forward to. Hoping by the end of the year I'll have wardrobe expansion? Shoes too.

So many mixed feels about Whole30 today. On one hand I could see myself continuing on with it for life because it is really not that bad and I feel like it's giving me a whole new, more healthy relationship with food and eating. But on the other hand... I want to eat all the things. I'm pretty sure that I will end up somewhere in the middle, but closer to W30 than to my old way of eating. I would leave room for special occasions and just a "fuckit" day here and there, but generally keep an eye on my intake of grains and sugar in particular. Dairy and legumes I'm not so worried about although I do have to watch it with them not to eat too much at once. I don't know. I guess we'll just see how I feel as it goes along post-W30. I really can't wait to see where I am at then, mentally and physically!

Whole30/Life Update

Hi ho!

It's day 8 of Whole30 for me and I am hanging in there just fine so far. I'm very pleased to have made it through my first week, and while I have definitely had some ups and downs, I've found it pretty easy to be compliant. This is probably the most healthy my diet has ever been in my life, no lie, no exaggeration.

I am still going through a weird time as far as how my body feels, though. I hear this is common – there is quite a range of symptoms associated with the various "withdrawals" you're going through. For me, it's manifested as extreme fatigue and intensified aches and pains. I'm assuming that those things will get better over time, and I'm not going to worry too much about it until after the 30 days is done.

One thing that I struggled with a lot in the first week was not weighing myself every day, or even every few days. But, now I feel liberated from the tyranny of the scale! It is really nice to just not think about how much I weigh or what the number on the scale will be. OK, honestly: I do think about my weight all the time and wonder what it's doing as a result of this new way of eating. BUT I am not going to step on that scale until it is time to! I am super curious but I am also not into the idea of sabotaging my progress by relying on what that number says. (I know that if it didn't say what I think it should/could, it would really upset me and I might go off the rails. I am still delicate, after all!)

Another thing is that while Whole30 is super restrictive, it is also super freeing! Instead of focusing on all the things I can't eat for the month, I've definitely shifted focus on what I can. It's a wonderful feeling! In general I'm eating better portions than before (I always tend to overeat), and sometimes, honestly? Even if I am hungry I don't really feel like eating, which is weird. I'm not sure what that is about, but I'm just following my instincts for now. Don't worry – I am far from underfed over here. Though fun fact: Whole 30'ers often do undereat! I like that Whole30 makes it pretty easy to manage your eating: choose a protein, a veggie, and a healthy fat for every meal and bam, you're done. This has meant for me that I'm relying on a few staples over and over, but at the same time I know that there are many options otherwise if I get bored. (I still love my eggs so far!)

I haven't yet noticed any miraculous changes in how I feel or how I look, although once in a while I have moments where I think, "Maybe...?" My stomach might have shrunk a little, or maybe my face looks a little slimmer, or maybe some things are getting easier to do again. But it's only been a week at this (plus the 2+ weeks where I was getting back on track and mostly avoiding sugar), so I really can't expect miracles. Still, I am enjoying the process and think that this just might be the thing that gets me right with food and eating.

My feeling is that once the 30 days is over that I will take things very easy, gently trying each food out to see how it affects me, before I start thinking about no longer restricting. For instance, I do want to continue to limit obvious sugar stuff after this, but I won't worry so much about the little bit of sugar we might see in certain types of bacon or mustard, you know? I don't want to go back to the way I was eating sugar, which was making sure I had something sweet after every meal, for example. That was definitely NOT good for me by any stretch. I will go back to enjoying alcohol more moderately. I will eat grains, but continue to try to stick to whole grains as much as humanly possible. In other words, I will try to make better choices most of the time. I cannot wait to eat legumes again. I miss my black beans! That said, I need to think about that – I tend to gorge on them when I do eat them, so maybe not? *sigh*

So, we'll see... maybe adding back certain foods really won't feel good, in which case... they will be out of my life (or nearly so).

Anyway, I am actually really enjoying the Whole30 journey and can't wait to see where I land on the other side!

And Now for Something Different: Whole 30

Hellohello!

I'm still chugging along doing my thing, and think about writing a new post but it somehow never seems to happen. Part of it is worrying about it being substantive enough, or interesting enough. It can be paralyzing!

I have been journaling in my Leuchtturm1917 notebook, though, ever since I posted about starting over again here, back in mid-August. Every day, even! Things have been going pretty well, though I haven't lost much of anything since that first week when I dropped like 8 pounds. It's been frustrating, but I'm not in the mood to give up anymore. I have goals. I know what I want to feel like. And being the weight I am now (335 give or take a pound or two lately) doesn't fit the bill.

One thing I learned in the first few months of my major weight loss back in 2015 was that perseverance is everything. You just have to keep doing what you know is good for you, knowing that the results you want will happen eventually. So that is the mindset I am trying to espouse.

Another thing. I hope that this will help: I'm doing Whole30 for the first time ever right this very minute. I'm closing out of day 3, in fact, and it's been relatively painless so far. Since I'd already been trying to eliminate added sugar from my diet for a couple weeks, adding on a few more restrictions didn't seem like too much of an inconvenience somehow. So, in case you've been living under a rock the past few years... in addition to sugar, I'm not consuming the following things for the next 30ish days: Dairy, soy, legumes, alcohol, grains, corn, um... what else? I think that covers it. I'm not sure what's been hardest to abandon just yet, but I'd probably have to say dairy at this point. However, because I can eat eggs and potatoes (and not just sweet potatoes!), life's not too bad.

I know, ask me next week how I'm feeling about eating my 100th egg. Thank goodness I actually really love eggs.

But really, it leaves you with a lot of choice. Any meat, any vegetable, any fruit. Sure, it's a bit of a pain reading every label making sure that something doesn't contain hidden sugars – and man! Just about everything not whole contains some form of sugar. It's tricky. My suspicion is that once I am done with W30 I'll just go back to keeping the sugar count down in general with mostly not eating obvious sugar, but for now I'm going for the science and giving it a college try, whole hog – I really want to see if any of these groups of foods have been causing my body trouble. While it's true that carrying so much extra weight is not helping at all, I still can't believe that all the horrible aches and pains I've been experiencing can only be attributed to that. I don't know.

So one day my partner read an article about leaky gut and was like, "So, I think you have this." I'd read about it before, too, and thought the same but stayed in my comfy state of denial unwilling to step out of my eating comfort zone. But for some reason it really hit me this time, maybe because of his noticing, and I thought – OK, let's see what we can do about this.

Really, it's just a scientific experiment. It's NOT a diet. Remember, W30's main purpose is not as a weight-loss diet, though many people do experience significant weight loss while doing it. I mean, I admit that it is part of my impetus, being stuck and frustrated. But most of all, I want to see if it is really that easy to manipulate your health and wellness. (If you think W30 is easy, I guess I should say.)

One more thing that W30 has disallowed is any sort of measuring during the 30 days. As a daily weigher, this has been a little tough for me, but I have a tactic: eat breakfast as soon as I wake up. I do plan to not weigh again until the 30 days is up, but I did fudge on that yesterday. (Hint: I was disappointed. That's what I get!) I finally took a few body measurements this morning, too. (Again, v. disappointing.)

So that is where I'm at for now! I'd really love to be able to take off ~10 pounds a month in the coming months. Timing doesn't really matter, I know, but I'm still kind of pissed off at myself for gaining as much weight back as I did, and I just want it back off. At least to get below 300 again, already! This week, though? I'd be so happy to see a number beginning with 32_. Ah, but I won't be seeing any number until we're into October, so oh well.

I hope you're doing well! Would love to hear from you.