Grrrrrrrr

Bad

Eating has been slightly out of control. I'm not sure what is going on with that, but I just want to eat, and I've been indulging my cravings, especially sweets. I might be logging my food, but I haven't exactly been meeting my calorie goals.

Before my scale's batteries went dead the other day, I weighed in at 280 pounds. This is total red zone territory and kind of terrifies me, though looking back in my HappyScale history, the last time I was at that weight was in early January and a week later I was back down to 271. Whatever. NOW I need to take action to make sure that I don't do any more damage. Ideally I didn't want to be outside a five-pound range from 272 (100 pounds lost). This really shouldn't have happened, but seriously – if I don't start taking this seriously, I'm going to be in trouble. I can't do that to myself. (I will be replacing the scale's batteries!)

I still haven't embarked on a regular strength training routine, which I really need. That said, after Monday I'll have a little more free time – that's the last day I'll be getting ready for my next art exhibition, and I don't have another big one coming up until September. I have two gym memberships that I need to start using!

Good

I went for a run last night after work (3 miles) and another one this morning (2 miles).

I've agreed to meet my co-worker and friend Kristen to meet up every Thursday morning before work for a run. She's also doing NoBo 3.0 (and is the speediest of the group, I might add!), and we both have trouble fitting our homework runs in the evening. It's great to have an accountability buddy!

Me and Kristen post-run at the Delaware Park loop this morning! Gettin' it done!

I have been logging my food and tracking calories again on MyFitnessPal the past few days (user name is radiosilents if you'd like to connect). Still, if I'm going way over my calories... I just really need to remind myself why I want to do what I am trying to do.

Grrrrrr.

FAST

Just a quick hello.

I wanted to report that I am now FAST. Yep, it's true!

OK, maybe not your fast, but definitely my fast.

On Saturday, after a week's delay due to snowy and super cold weather, the new session of No Boundaries running group started again. Hooray! It was a little windy, but not very cold and just a little slush left over here and there from the previous week's storm. My group, 3.0, did our time trial, which is the measure they use to place us in pace groups.

To be honest, I wasn't feeling very peppy and I really didn't feel like I was going to run anything resembling fast, time trial or no. I just figured, well, I'll do my best and get it done. I'll end up in the slowest pace group anyway. No big deal. We did about a half mile warm up, slow run, and then were instructed to run two miles as fast as we possibly could. What happens is they take your average pace from that run and add on a minute or two to place you in the right pace group – the aim is to slow you down a bit so that you can focus on distance and endurance.

Well, anyway, there I was feeling crappy after the warm up. Oh no. Blegh.

It turns out that my first mile was in the 12 minute range (don't have an exact figure, but that is what I was told by the mentors running with me and those manning the route). What?!?

Me? Running a 12-some minute mile? I am still shaking my head in disbelief and thinking that surely there was some mistake.

Long story short, I ran the two miles in 26:16. That means my average pace was 13:08!!! Please, just call me Flash.

I have not run this fast ever as an adult. I'm pretty sure I ran about that fast when I was on the cross country team for one season in high school, if not a little faster.

This was also after not having run for two weeks.

I am still training for a half marathon, though if you look at my training log, you'd never know it. Oops. Well, I have one more crazy week of frantically painting and getting ready for my next art exhibition. Once that's over, I'm putting it into high gear and getting serious about the training.

How about the eating? Meh. Not great, not terrible. Still in the low-mid 270s. Still OK with it.

I'm tired and wired after a long day of painting, which means I should hop into bed and try to get a good night's sleep for my big day back to my job tomorrow. *snore*

Interesting Times

Happy Valentines Day, lovelies! I know there are at least a few of you out there. :)

We keep it very low-key at our house and don't really do anything special, so no worries about too much chocolate or an overindulgent meal for me!

Since I last wrote, I've been slightly "off". I don't grieve particularly well, and I tend to eat my feelings a lot. With the loss of Alistair cat, this was no exception. As a result, I'm back up to 275 today, but that was after NOT weighing for a few days – honestly, I was worried it would be much worse. Today was reasonable, eating-wise, so hoping that I'm getting back on track a bit.

I haven't been exercising at all. My last run was on February 5th, and then Alistair left us and then we got a brutal cold snap and... I have all sorts of excuses why not. The Alistair thing I'd give myself a couple or few days, sure, but the rest of it? Baloney. I have memberships at two gyms, so weather is not a good excuse unless it's blizzarding. I suppose the one legit "excuse" I do have is that I've been getting ready for my next art exhibition which goes up at the beginning of March. That means lots of time in the painting studio, pretty much any free time I have. It's just two more weeks of this schedule and I am looking forward to not being so frantic (my own fault, I can procrastinate like nobody's business!) and getting back to relative normal. I dare say it is difficult to have a regular workout regimen AND work full-time AND have a relationship AND get my painting in. I admit, I could be better at using my time but quite frankly I DO see value in resting my mind and body by just hanging out/vegging out and watching movies with my partner, and/or doing various internet stuffs.

Anyway. So that's where I've been, in mind and body.

I've also made some decisions about what I want to do moving forward. As you may know, I've been floating in the 270s (with some dips into the 260s here and there) since June of last year. While that's been a bit frustrating, I'm also really glad that I haven't been gaining the whole time, either! More or less, I've maintained about a 100 pound loss, and I'm really proud of and happy about that. At the same time, I was really getting stressed out about the idea of having to lose another 100 pounds and feeling overwhelmed... that it was an impossible task. Intellectually I know this couldn't be farther from the truth, but emotionally it just feels like too much to handle if I only think in terms of the big picture.

So I removed that picture from the wall, at least for now.

What I have decided to focus on is to get back to the 260s. In fact, my new goal is 260 pounds. That's it. That's all she wrote.

The reality is, I have realized that if I didn't ever lose any more weight, I'd still be pretty happy about where I am now. I have been happy! There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think about at least one aspect of my life that has been positively impacted by the weight I have lost so far. I feel like I have accomplished a stabilization, even a normalization of my body. I think my doctor would agree – all my numbers are in normal ranges except my weight (for now). I can move easily and do everything I want to be able to do. Would those things be even easier if I lost more weight? (Especially thinking about running) Yes, for sure. But my weight is not stopping me from doing anything any longer, and that was the most important thing to me in the first place.

So I just thought, maybe give myself a break for a while. Well, I have, I know. But this time, a conscious one. Let my body kind of get used to where it's at for a while. And let me not feel quite so obsessive about everything. It has been a big relief to be logging every single morsel on MyFitnessPal or check in there every ten minutes to see what's going on.

That doesn't mean that I am going back to old habits (though for some recent days it was starting to feel that way a little) and gaining all the weight back. I still have some business to attend to in the form of 15 pounds (Ah! So much better than 100!), not to mention training for a half marathon! I have plenty of work to do to keep me busy, happy, and healthy. I'll revisit this and see how things feel in another couple months.

Until then, I'm exercising intuitive eating and daily weighing as my method... and of course, half marathon training.

It's exciting!

Grieving and Bingeing

Bad news today.

Our oldest cat, Alistair, who was just a month short of 16, passed away this morning at home. He had been in decline the past month or so, and yesterday his breathing started getting labored. My partner called me home early from work and we were able to have a last nice evening together with him. He seemed happy and was purring, but obviously becoming weaker and weaker. This morning he was worse until...

We've had him in our family since he (and my relationship with my partner) was about six months old, so this is a really tough loss.

Alistair cat, 2000–2016.

It was rough. I was able to do what needed to be done, though. (Is this what real adulting is like?) But, the stress and emotion was overwhelming, and true to form, the first thing I wanted to do once his affairs were in order was to eat and eat and eat.

Last year I had little setbacks with the loss of an old friend as well as my uncle. I'm determined that with this, I can get back to normal eating for the rest of the day and definitely tomorrow. 

I hope it doesn't seem too weird that I'm sitting here writing in my blog about my food issues, but honestly – it's a way for me to deal with the loss, I guess. It feels weird to me, too. I'm sure a lot of people go through this sort of thing and I think it will be helpful to share. I'll even go so far as to tell you what I ate today between 2pm and 5:30pm.

• A 2-liter bottle of diet soda (I drink water 90% of the time)

• Three slices of deep-dish pizza (though more like thick-crusted, not Chicago-style)

• A pint of ice cream

• Most of a regular-sized bag of cheddar cheese popcorn

• A couple handfuls of Cheetos

Ugh. Of course it didn't make me feel any better, except for the first delicious bites of any of it. Beyond that, it was fairly mindless shoveling and just feeling sorry for myself. I tell you what, I don't have the desire to continue in this mode, so hopefully I'll be good and just be with my feelings without trying to numb them with food. Drinks, not so sure... I may still have a couple.

Anyway. That's all for now. I think I took myself back a couple weeks with this episode, but I will still not give up. 

I'm so, so sad.

End of the Month!

My Happy Scale chart is finally back in the green! Hooray!!! Crisis over.

It's amazing that we're through January already.

It's even more amazing that today it was in the 50s and all the snow has melted. And I live in western New York! I am totally NOT complaining, let me tell you. It makes for great running conditions and just not having to navigate snow and ice all the time is so, so nice.

Anyway. Since I last checked in a week ago, things have been pretty great! Things have felt right. The intuitive eating I've been trying out the past few weeks seems to be working well for me. There are some days when I do enter my food and calculate the calories on MyFitnessPal, but more as a check-in to see how I do on guesstimating my intake. Otherwise, I've been trying to eat reasonably and eat more better foods than not. I'm learning to trust myself and food more.

And I'm continuing to build my base miles for running. As I'd mentioned before I was down to running once a week, but last week and this week I've built back up to 8-10 miles split among three sessions. I'm trying hard not to care too much about my pace and just focus on getting the work done and feeling good about that alone, no matter how fast I'm going. My official half marathon training begins in just over a week. I'm a little nervous about being able to do it at the end of the 17 weeks, seeing how getting two, three, or four miles seems challenging now. There's a lot of negative thinking I battle during my runs and I need to get past that – the truth is, if I do the work there is no reason I shouldn't be able to finish the half in June, and again in October.

I finished out the month at 270, which I am pleased with – a six pound loss and getting back on track is very happy-making. I have been so back-and-forth in this weight range that I feel like I'd do just about anything to get into the 260s again and just keep going, never to return. But how many times have I made that statement? Too many. It's not that I didn't mean it those times before, but I was obviously lacking something. This time my determination is so real, so palpable. I can taste that I CAN finally get past this wall I've been facing for months.

One big thing that I really need to remember is that I've managed to keep off most of the weight I've lost for six months now. That is a huge achievement for me. It's huge that I am not done yet, too. In the past when I've lost a chunk of weight (50 or 60 pounds, never as much as I have this time), I hit some block, tried to hold on... and then within months I'm gaining and gaining and find myself back where I started, and worse. The fact that this has not happened, that I have committed to this for over a year and a half makes me so proud of myself, despite not actively losing for a while. I've learned that I can actually maintain within a range, and that's important, too.

Anyway, I've got an appointment with my GP on March 9th. I'd really love to be able to walk in there and hop on the scale in the 250s. I really, really would.

The new session of the Ton of Fun program at Fleet Feet started again recently, and that's a good motivator; the new session of No Boundaries running group starts in the middle of February and I can't wait.

There is just so much to look forward to in 2016. I am ready to do the work and I'm ready to enjoy the results of that hard work, too!

Random Check-In Post

Hello hello!

I've been aiming to send out January on a good note. Since last week, my eating has been pretty good. I'm not counting calories so much as trying to eat intuitively and smartly. It seems to be working out well so far. I was up to 279 last Friday, and after my run this morning, the scale read 270. I'm pretty excited about that and really, really want to keep the momentum going so that I can finally land in the 260s and never look back.

It's been a great running week. I'm easing back into a regular routine after doing just one run a week since the holidays. Including this morning's run, I squeaked in three, hooray! Wednesday was a pretty cool four-miler run mostly on my own (though out with a group) – I wanted to see if I could still do that distance, and was very happy with the results even though the snow-covered roads slowed me down a little bit. Yesterday's outing was disappointing, logging just 1.38 miles and suffering the whole time. Not sure why, it was just one of those runs. I still got out there and did something, right?

Today was better. I finally joined a group of runners called the Old Falls Street Run Club at the nudging of one its members who I often run into at Fleet Feet events. After all, it's based right here in Niagara Falls where I live! I was always a little scared to come out for their free runs, though, because I was worried that I was too slow, and just a general fear of the unknown. I found out how silly that was today, because for the first time in a while I had someone to run with at my pace! My friend Janice, in fact. I got 2.5 miles in with her at a good pace, averaging around 14:40. Niagara University, where we ran, keeps its roads nice and clear, so no worries about ice or snow to navigate – just the extreme cold, a frosty 18 degrees.

It's so nice to get back into the habit of running more regularly. It makes me feel so good afterward, and the effect can last into the next day, as it has for me this past week! I love it.

I've been having a lot of thoughts related to what I am doing and keep thinking, "Oh, I need to remember that for the blog," but then it gets forgotten. So many things. I've been at this now for about 20 months, which is the longest I've stuck with it in my whole life. The fact that I've been able to maintain most of what I've lost for almost six months totally dazzles me and gives me hope that this is something that I can stick with for the rest of my life. I feel like I did find the secret in some ways. I'm doing it. But really, only time will tell, won't it?

There's still so much work to do. And after that, after I reach my goal, it's going to be staying on top of it, well, forever. And I am OK with that. First I need to get to where I am going, though.

At least 100 more pounds. It's a lot, but I've already done it once. That one time? It wasn't so bad. I can do it again for sure.

100 pounds is a lot to think about, so I need to keep my focus on the smaller goals, the smaller steps that will get me there. Lose 25 pounds four times. Lose ten pounds ten times. Lose five pounds twenty times. Lose one pound 100 times.

I am on it.

A Little Help from My Friends

A photo my wonderful friend and mentor Pat took of me running a couple weeks ago. I am liking what I see!

Not much has changed since the last post... YET.

But today I got some help from my partner, who did his best Jiminy Cricket imitation to get me to snap out of the mindless eating crap I've been indulging in lately. Because of his reminders, my eating wasn't too bad today.

And I also got to thinking seriously about half marathons, specifically the Niagara Falls Womens' Half Marathon in Ontario, Canada, just across the border from where I live. It's in early June, just a few days before my 46th birthday. So yeah, I was thinking... I'm doing the No Boundaries program version 3.0 starting in February, which will take me to being able to run eight miles by the end of April. The NFWHM offers a handy training schedule that also acts as a money-back guarantee to finish the race if you follow the plan. So, I had a careful look at it and plugged it into my calendar. It looks to me like as long as I stick to the schedule, I should really have no problem being able to do it. I am capable of running the miles required up until week 6 out of 17 now, so it should be totally doable.

Of course I wanted to check in with my pack of running friends to see if what I was thinking was crazy, or if this is indeed something I can do. I got nothing but positive feedback, and these are the ladies who have continuously supportive and encouraging and helping me to achieve my goals this past year. In the conversation several of us also decided to make a commitment to sign up for the Wineglass Half Marathon in Corning, NY, a few hours away, in October. So now I've got not just one, but two halfs to train for in 2016!

The NF training schedule begins on February 9th with three runs per week. I've only been doing one run each week since around Thanksgiving, so until then I'll work on building up to the 3x/week again, but shorter runs between two and four miles. Starts tomorrow on that.

I also feel that having this major thing to train for will give me extra impetus to really get serious about my eating and losing weight again. After all, the lighter I am, the easier the runs will be. Obviously I am not interested in crash dieting, not saying that at all – but just really being dedicated to eating quality foods and eating reasonable amounts. I will also need to get back to strength training to protect myself from injury. I know what I need to do there.

My schedule will be looking something like this:

Monday: Strength and cross training at the gym

Tuesday: Prescribed run (NoBo)

Wednesday: Strength and cross training at the gym

Thursday: Prescribed run

Friday: Rest day or cross training (swim?)

Saturday: Prescribed long run (NoBo)

Sunday: Rest day

I'm very excited to get started!

The training plan! The sticky notes have mileage vs. k. :)

Happy New Year, Belated

Hello all!

I am still here. A few days turned into a couple weeks, and... well, here I am.

Not too much new and exciting to report, to be honest. I am still going between doing really well and really not-so-well as far as eating goes. Exercise has fallen to running once a week since before Christmas, but that's better than nothing. I am still playing around in the 270s – a couple times nearly hitting or dinging 280, and last week getting back down to 271. Today finds me solidly PMSing and in the middle at 275, which I will take gladly.

Part of me is sad that I haven't made any new progress, but the other part appreciates that I am still more or less maintaining, not giving up.

The best news has been that I seem to be getting my running groove again. I ran as part of a four-person half marathon relay team last weekend, and it was great – I've had a couple good ~three milers in the 14's, and the relay had me at my best pace since summertime, about 14:40. The Winter Warrior half in Rochester, NY was pretty fantastic, a very well-presented race with lots of awesome volunteers and a loop course that allowed me the amazing experience of running among people instead of always being behind them. What energy and inspiration! All kinds of people throwing out kudos as they passed by. I loved it.

Obligatory race photo: Me (3), Amy F. (2), Emily (1), and Angela (4) as the Buffalo Gals relay team! 

Now I am all signed up for the next session of No Boundaries at Fleet Feet and I decided to go to the next level – 3.0, which will take me to running eight miles by the end of April. I'm also registered for my first longer-than-5K, the Shamrock 8K in Buffalo in March. I plan to do the Grand Island 10K in May! Very exciting. 

Otherwise, I have just been continuing to enjoy the fact that regular daily activities that were becoming challenging at my heaviest are now nothing to me – snow shoveling, cooking, cleaning, walking from a distant parking spot, tying my shoes, getting dressed. I truly take real pleasure in all of it. I will never take my physical abilities for granted. 

I should never want to give them up, either, which is what would happen if I don't really buckle down and get back to the business I need to. Truth be told, if I never lost another pound I would be OK, however, at this weight I still feel precariously close to an edge I don't want to be near. 

I can just challenge myself to move farther away from the edge. It doesn't have to be the whole 100 or more pounds I think I'd like to lose. What if I only thought about, say, 25 pounds? 

Maybe that would help. 

Maybe knowing I want to run faster and easier would help. Losing 25 pounds, heck even 5 pounds, would take off thousands of pounds of pressure off my knees when I'm running, for example. 

Hey! I also rejoined my old gym. They made me an offer of my old rate and no initiation fee, so I jumped at it. I haven't yet gone, but I will be using the pool and I'll go to a class every week. (When do I start, hmmmm??? What am I waiting for???) Yoga, maybe Zumba. Oh, but the swimming! I kind of can't wait!

So anyway, that's where I am at for now! I'm proud to say that I am better off than I was a year ago today, and that is what I will always strive for. 

How are you doing? 

End of Year Reflection, 2015 Edition

December 2013 / December 2014 / December 2015

How funny – as I look at the sequence of photos above, I also see myself getting into clearer focus. Also see how I'm not relying so much on bright red lipstick anymore? In the latest photo, it's just some plain lip balm. No make-up at all, no filters. 45 isn't so bad, right?  It's all about the lighting, I guess. *grin*

There's not as drastic a change from 2014 to 2015 as there was from 2013 to 2014, but I am still pleased with my progress. There have been pretty major changes in my life since last year's December photo, even if I don't look that much different. 2015 was the year when I got serious about running (even if I feel kind of sad and meh about it at this moment), and it made a huge difference in my life in several ways.

• Got me moving around consistently and meaningfully

• Got me outside in a full range of weather conditions – and guess what? I didn't freeze, or melt, or drown. Unless it's lightning out, or extremely icy, there are few excuses not to exercise outside.

• Snagged me a whole new slew of friends from all walks of life who are ridiculously supportive

• Helped me view food in a new way: Food as fuel (novel!)

• Made me feel stronger and capable of anything

• Made me realize that I can do things that once seemed impossible, if only I try

Another positive action I took in 2015 was to work with a nutritionist, which helped me get grounded again after a difficult period, and reminded me about some basic steps to take to make the most of my food every day. I am still far from perfect, but I have the tools and the knowledge to do the best I can.

The result of those actions was that I lost over 30 pounds this year, and about 100 pounds total. I admit, it's not as much as I'd have liked, but it's something! Not to mention that I am still here and in it after a year and a half – that makes this the most successful weight loss effort I've ever had in my life. (Even if at before Thanksgiving, my total was over 40 pounds lost for the year. Well, that just means that I am sure to get there again!)

I found a new, great gynecologist after my previous one retired. (Though oops, neglected to get my candygram, er, mammogram this year.)

I continued to see my fabulous GP to monitor progress, and I've been getting A+ on my checkups. My blood pressure is normal (yay!) and so is all the important blood work.

Now, for next year, how can I possibly improve on that?

Well, for one, I would love to lose at least 50 more pounds. Heck, I'd love to get below 200 by the end of 2016 (more than 70 pounds to lose in that case), but as I have said before, time-based goals don't work well for me and so I am just going to keep on keeping on and see where it lands me – as long as it is in the negative, of course. I fully intend to keep what I have lost already off, and just lose however much more I can.

 • I will keep running, even if I feel discouraged about it now. I'm signing up for the awesome No Boundaries program at Fleet Feet starting in February, likely doing version 3.0 with the option to do the 2.0 workouts if I need to (shorter distances).

• I will return to strength training exercise, and I also want to get back to yoga.

• I'm on the fence about joining my old gym again, but if I do I will finally go swimming.

• I've been thinking about getting some counseling for my eating issues. Also still on the fence.

****

I like this list, which reminds me that I am not a total screw-up.

I also like this list, which dovetails with a lot that I'd like to accomplish in the coming year.

Last year's end of year reflection was in two parts, here and here.

***

Ugh. I have so much to say but have no idea where to start, so maybe a list-style post will suit me best today. In plusses and minuses:

– Hit 280 today. This is so... bad/sad/upsetting/discouraging/etc/etc. I knew it was going to happen after having a day of eating unlike any I have had in a long, long time. Bingeing behavior has really taken over lately and I'm not sure where it is coming from and I have been feeling relatively helpless over it. 280 means that I've gained 15 pounds since Thanksgiving – 15 pounds in a month! How does that even happen?

It is so scary to me how quickly I can gain weight, even after a year and a half of losing fairly consistently, even with the past few months slowed way down. So scary.

+ By the time my partner came to bed this morning (he often stays up all night), I'd been awake for a little while, unable to fall back asleep because I was so sad and scared after my bender yesterday. Ever so supportive, he talked me down from my proverbial ledge and offered so much comfort and encouragement. He's going to help me, at least when I am at home, to get a handle on my eating again. Just for today, he suggested a meal strategy to get me back into reasonable territory. Just having that in mind has helped me focus this morning and I think I can use it to carry me through the rest of the day. Keeping things very simple with a liquid breakfast (green tea and water), soup for lunch, and the chili I was planning to make for dinner. If it seems a little extreme, it's because I need it to be right now, today. I need to jolt my brain. Not having to think about what I could eat or want to eat throughout the day is really helpful. I may simply have to get disciplined about meal planning. Not having those question marks at lunchtime and dinner make things so much easier.

I also whined, between sniffles (I was very teary), that I haven't been exercising at all. He said, "Just worry about getting your eating back on track for now."

One thing at a time, just like when I started. I do think that I'd like to get a short run or two in by the end of the week, but for now I'm not going to fret about it. First things first.

– I feel like I haven't been the best friend in the world lately and have been isolating myself a lot, avoiding parties and whatever else that involves socializing. I'm been finding it hard to be very joyful, even though I have plenty to be grateful for. How many times can you apologize to someone for being a Debbie Downer? It's easier to just withdraw sometimes.

+ Tomorrow I'm going on a fun run in the late morning at Fleet Feet – it's called the Egg Nog Jog – and doing 2 miles. I have to do something. I think getting out into the fresh air and moving my limbs and being around other runners will do me a world of good.

– I don't even know what else. I'm feeling a little sorry for myself even though I'm inflicting my own pain.

So that's where I am at right now. I think back to the end of year goals I had and yearn for the "consolation prize" that 268 was supposed to be. If only! If only I knew then what was ahead. I would never have believed you a month ago that this is where I would be.

That all said, I'm trying to put things in perspective and will be working out a plan to dig myself out of the hole, as well as setting new goals for myself in the coming year. It's actually one of my favorite things to do at year's end! I don't think that I will ever set a time-based weight goal ever again, even just to say I want to lose x pounds in a year. The truth is, any loss is good, any maintain is good. Any progress on developing good habits is good. Any activity that I do is good.

Regarding running, even if I only ever run 1 or 2 miles at a time forever more, that's a win. I keep thinking about all the BIG things I want to do, like run a marathon or maybe even beyond, but sometimes I wonder if that makes me feel discouraged. From now on, instead I will focus on all the things I can do now rather than worry about how I'm going to get to those bigger goals later. My head has been sticking itself too far in the future, I think. Though – I will be doing NoBo 3.0 starting in February, that's a no-brainer.

After the disaster that yesterday was, eating-wise, I am ready to take steps back to the positive space I was in once more. It's been a rough few weeks. Time to stop feeling sorry for myself and start doing the work again.