Thursday, October 2, 2014

Ugh, sometimes.

I went to the mall last night after work with a friend to indulge in a little Sephora and Lush shopping and for a movie afterward. The good news is that I did get some lovely things, including some Kat Von D lipstick, some lovely fall and winter-inspired scented candles from a side trip to Bath & Body Works, and a nice selection of bath bombs and pretty-smelling things at my absolute fave, LUSH. More good news is that I fit into the movie theatre seats snugly but fine, and tickets were just $2 each! (We saw the wonderful The Hundred-Foot Journey)

On the other hand, there is a reason why I avoid malls at almost all costs most of the time. The mall has this way of making all my insecurities come out in their most raw form. There is nothing I despise more than the proverbial makeup counter with its horrible lighting and people swarming all around and feeling like a bull in a china shop. At the same time, I love being surrounded by so many pretty things – if I was a billionaire, I would have stores open after hours so I could browse totally solo, I tell you what.

I just can't help but feel like I stick out like a sore thumb everywhere at the mall. There are lots of mirrors and reflective surfaces, too, so I'm always catching unexpected glimpses of myself, and it's disheartening. See, I guess I don't look in the mirror much except for my bathroom mirror and my iPhone camera to check my lipstick, so I see myself from one angle and generally from the chest or neck up.

So I've lost almost 50 pounds and feel great, and I know that I have gotten smaller, but seeing myself in other contexts, I'm so disappointed to see how fat I still am, even though I know intellectually that I at 320-some pounds that yes, I am VERY fat. Still. And I will be for a while.

None of this means that I am on the brink of giving up. NO. If anything it is propelling me even more toward my goal. I AM SICK OF BEING FAT. I'm done. And as my loving partner reminded me last night, this time next year, I won't be fat anymore. How can I be so sure? Because I am going to keep doing what I am doing and my actions are going to get me there. That's how.

In the meantime I just need to deal with it, continue trying to love my body in all its incarnations, and KEEP GOING.

And I will. Promise.


  1. Hi! I just stopped by to comment on the post before this one (The Data) and CONGRATULATE YOU on such amazing progress! And I was going to say, that must feel so great!!! And then, there's this post, where you are not feeling so great. :( I totally know how you feel, though. It can be hard to reconcile all the great progress made, and enjoy that, against knowing there's further to go, and you still may not always like how you look, though maybe just at certain angles. That's one of the hardest parts of getting fit or losing weight, I think, and it's just a challenge for each day, I guess. Some days are better than others, and maybe we get better at this with practice. I suggest you have earned patting yourself on the back - a LOT! - for how far you've come. Bask in it. For reals. And enjoy your pretty things! Fun treat, and well-earned. xo
    ~ Wendy @ FitterAtFortyish

  2. Thank you so much, Wendy, for you kind and encouraging comments. They mean a lot to me! xoxo