I went to the mall last night after work with a friend to indulge in a little Sephora and Lush shopping and for a movie afterward. The good news is that I did get some lovely things, including some Kat Von D lipstick, some lovely fall and winter-inspired scented candles from a side trip to Bath & Body Works, and a nice selection of bath bombs and pretty-smelling things at my absolute fave, LUSH. More good news is that I fit into the movie theatre seats snugly but fine, and tickets were just $2 each! (We saw the wonderful The Hundred-Foot Journey)
On the other hand, there is a reason why I avoid malls at almost all costs most of the time. The mall has this way of making all my insecurities come out in their most raw form. There is nothing I despise more than the proverbial makeup counter with its horrible lighting and people swarming all around and feeling like a bull in a china shop. At the same time, I love being surrounded by so many pretty things – if I was a billionaire, I would have stores open after hours so I could browse totally solo, I tell you what.
I just can't help but feel like I stick out like a sore thumb everywhere at the mall. There are lots of mirrors and reflective surfaces, too, so I'm always catching unexpected glimpses of myself, and it's disheartening. See, I guess I don't look in the mirror much except for my bathroom mirror and my iPhone camera to check my lipstick, so I see myself from one angle and generally from the chest or neck up.
So I've lost almost 50 pounds and feel great, and I know that I have gotten smaller, but seeing myself in other contexts, I'm so disappointed to see how fat I still am, even though I know intellectually that I at 320-some pounds that yes, I am VERY fat. Still. And I will be for a while.
None of this means that I am on the brink of giving up. NO. If anything it is propelling me even more toward my goal. I AM SICK OF BEING FAT. I'm done. And as my loving partner reminded me last night, this time next year, I won't be fat anymore. How can I be so sure? Because I am going to keep doing what I am doing and my actions are going to get me there. That's how.
In the meantime I just need to deal with it, continue trying to love my body in all its incarnations, and KEEP GOING.
And I will. Promise.