Tuesday, June 2, 2015

I Confess

I always try to stay positive about things, even when they aren't going so well.

Let me admit to you: I've been having trouble lately. Not eating well at all, and combined with my exercise break things feel awful.

I know this is a temporary state, but it still feels crappy. And I feel kinda loser-ish, even though I know better.

My biggest problem has been reverting to eating disorder behavior, which for me involves secret eating and binging. I've been doing OK at home, but this week I've been running errands on lunch break at work and so indulging in the stupidest indulgence ever, only because it doesn't really taste that good: McDonald's.

I really don't know what it is about that place. Before I started losing weight last year, I truly felt addicted to the stuff and just stopped eating it totally for a while. Then, I'd have it just once in a while but would fit it into my daily calorie allotment. Recently, I just get it and I eat it and it doesn't fit and I eat it in my car and... it's just all shameful when it really shouldn't be, and just stupid. It's not the kind of relationship I want to have with food. It absolutely feels like a drug or an illicit affair when I do this.

So it has to stop. Hopefully after having written this I will, but I don't want to make a promise right now. I feel that out of control, quite frankly. At least tomorrow I am leaving work a couple hours early for an appointment, so I won't be going out for lunch or any errands, and Thursday and Friday I am off all together – that should give me a much-needed break from the temptation of it and just break the little cycle I have fallen into.

Lunch was another throwaway. What does one do for the rest of a day if one's calories are all eaten? Obviously you can do one of two things:

1. Eat a normal dinner and move on

2. Don't eat anything else for the rest of the day

I suppose you could also take the lunch binge and extend it because what does it all matter, anyway? To be honest, that is kind of how I am feeling lately and I am probably going to just eat a whatever dinner and start again tomorrow.

On the plus side, my boyfriend and I getting back to an old friend (though more so for him, since he played it all growing up), tennis! We've been gearing up and hoping to go out later this week to start hitting the ball around. He's a pretty good player but quite out of shape, while I'm in better shape but not a good player at all. In the past when we've played, he's had to be patient while I send balls to places I don't intend, and swing too early or too late, etc. etc.

I might sign up for some group lessons, but he's also been researching instructional videos for us to watch. Otherwise, hopefully just some light and easy volleying will help get us both up to speed. I'm also hoping that we will finally get out for a hike this week, too! My schedule and the weather have been conspiring against us on that front.

Just thinking about these things get me excited and feeling a little happier about what's going on. I have to ride through the downtimes and just keep looking forward to when I regain control a little better. I've done it before, and I know I will do it again.

(If anyone is out there reading, I could sure use a shout out today – your comments would be greatly appreciated!)


  1. You can turn it around! Confessing this is a huge step. Sign up for 2.0, push yourself a bit. Look forward to getting back in the schedule with an amazingly supportive group. The past few weeks have been hard for a lot of us, but the trick is to recognize our weaknesses and struggles and change them before they become a habit. You can and will do this!

    1. Thank you so much, Jewel! I think getting back to the routine with the group will be really helpful, and starting to do activities with my boyfriend, too – not to mention how happy I am that he wants to get in better shape, now, too. :) For now I am blaming the hard time on hormones. ;)

  2. Hi Amy - good for you for sharing what you're struggling with. Shame around our eating can isolate us, and it takes strength to get past that, so good job on that step!
    I believe that eating disorders like secret eating and binging can't really be "white-knuckled" down, by promises to oneself. I believe that you need support to beat these disorders, whether that be in a group (IRL or online) or through finding a good ED counselor, one that fits your style and goals. Have you ever thought about either of these options to help you get back on top of these behaviors?
    That's all they are, are behaviors. They do NOT reflect your value as a person! I know you can develop strategies to beat these behaviors. I hope you consider getting support from a group or therapist, or other support, to do so.
    Sending good vibes your way. Baby steps, like no McD's at lunch today LOL! As you said it doesn't even really taste good anyway. :P
    Hang in there. You'll get through.
    Wendy @ fitteratfortyish.wordpress.com

    1. Hi Wendy, yeah, that is something I have considered for a long time, here and there. It's been a behavior that I have battled since I was a child – as an only, it was fairly easy to sneak food and I had my own room in which to eat it. Absolutely no McDs today, no ma'am! That is step number one. Hopefully it is all (figurative) gravy from here, at least for a while. Thank you thank you. I appreciate your support and love reading your blog.