I don't know what happens to me or why, but I got back on track after that big gain and I'm almost back down to my lowest weight again (hoping tomorrow or the next day I'll be all set). After letting go for a day or two, I find it insanely easy to just do what I need to do for a while. Maybe I should just accept that and roll with it when I lose sight of my goals on a given day, as long as I get back on it right away? After years and years of struggling with food issues, I don't know if I will ever have solid answers to these questions, but I do know that I will not give up trying. You've seen, since I've started the blogs, that I haven't given up, even if months pass with no posting. I feel I really owe it to myself to finally come to terms with these issues and with my body.
I keep telling my friends, I'm 40 now, and there is just no option. It needs to get done once and for all. And I truly believe that. Lately I have been trying to envision myself at various lower weights, what it will be like to see certain numbers on the scale. I am glad that I can picture those things; it gives me hope.
Another is that I've been walking around feeling very confident and attractive. I'm not sure where this is coming from, but I am embracing it. Maybe it's that spring is really just around the corner and that always makes you feel good. Likely that it's something bigger, though, something more, and that it comes from inside. All the things I have been trying to do for myself, from THIS, to my professional life, to cultivating friendships old and new. I have so much to be thankful for.
Yesterday and today have both been easy eating days. I wonder why it can't always be like this? Maybe I should take out a few minutes each day to meditate on my goals and visualize myself achieving them.
It's like I can almost taste success!
I have various reasons for doing what I am doing, but one of them makes staying on plan easier because I know what it is like to ride in an airplane as a fat woman. The last time I flew I probably weighed about what I do now, and it was just an hour flight to New York City. It really sucked. I am flying to England in October and want to be as comfortable as I can on the plane ride — I forget how long it is, 8 hours or so? Yes, I am doing this for bigger reasons than international travel, but that is a huge and palpable impetus in the meantime. If things go as planned, I could be as low as 220-something, at the very least under 250, which should put me in the OK zone. I just have to keep going and do well, as well as I can.
I got the chance to walk a wee bit today — from the parking lot to a campus building to work on the mural, and back. Of course campus parking is never particularly convenient, so the little walk was quite nice. I realize that I am in not horrible shape and should really get out there for some real walks to see how I do in my proper walking/running sneaks.
Feeling good. Feeling hopeful.