Satisfaction

I was so pleased to see that I weighed in at 325.8 this morning. That's right, I am up by .4 from yesterday, but I am happy because it means that yesterday's drop was not a fluke, which I had feared. So, yay!

I completed Week 2, Day 2 of Couch to 5K this morning, despite having a lot of trouble rolling myself out of bed and despite a slightly sore back. It wasn't the best run ever, a little on the slow side and I wasn't able to cover the full mile and a half I've been doing, but I did a full 30 minutes' worth, and I sweated and huffed and puffed. Good enough for me. One step at a time. I'm getting there!

One thing that has been helping me mentally is something my workout partner Jan said to me yesterday. I was trying out one the weight machines that has you face down on a slight decline in order to work out your legs. I was a bit dubious about being able to get on or off the machine at all, but tried anyway. It worked just fine, and Jan was like: "You're strong, Amy." And maybe she said that I was in good shape, but what really stood out me was that very simple statement. And I realized that she was right. Here I might be a 325-pound obese woman, but I can DO stuff. I think this is one of the reasons I have such a hard time reconciling my physical self in reality vs. my physical self that resides in my brain. But I'm not a typical obese person! Until I see a photograph of myself, like yesterday when I had C. take a few photos of me at my exibition, and some with my cousin Stacey. Man, I am big.



But I can DO stuff, and that's a good thing. I am happy that I am empowering myself more and more so that I can do more and more stuff. I don't want to have to say no to anything.

Can I say, though, how sick I am of being obese? I am so over it and can't wait to just be plain overweight, or maybe even *gasp* "normal"? I must say that being a "normal" size (I hate putting it that way, but I am not really sure how else to say it and retain a certain clarity about what I am speaking) has seemed completely out of reach for such a long time, it is hard to even visualize it. Sure, I have photos of myself as a teenager in which I am not fat, but that has become such a long time ago I hardly view that person as who I am now. I have no idea what the adult me will look like not being obese or overweight. The last time I weighed below 200 pounds was about 15 years ago.

I don't talk about it much because it gets too depressing at this point, but, I really love clothes. I have some quite fashionable co-workers that I envy like CRAZY for their wardrobes. Meanwhile, I've been pretty much wearing the same or similar stuff over and over for several years because it is what I have become comfortable and the least conspicuous in. I have to tell you, I am getting really bored with it all, and very frustrating because I don't feel that my clothes are telling people the kind of person I really am. As an artist, this is especially frustrating.

I hate to restrict myself from new clothes at the size I am now, but the reality is I just never find stuff that I like very much in the sizes I can wear, except for very basic items, not to mention that at the moment I don't care to spend the money on clothes that I may only wear for a short time. I'm being totally serious when I say that I am not going back again. I am fully determined and fully committed to losing the weight and keeping it off. I'm just too old for this crap, it needs to be done once and for all. I'm thinking that another new strategy that I may employ this time around will include getting rid of anything in my closet that is too big. I won't make the mistake of giving myself a backup plan. Either the clothes I end up in fit, or I need to get back on track—no exceptions. It's just going to have to be that way.

I have been reading this woman's blog for some time now, and I have to say she is my fashion icon. Those are the kinds of clothes I would be all over could I fit into them. I used to love scouring thrift stores and vintage shops for clothes, not to mention how much I covet the styles they have at places like Anthropologie—not that I could afford it, so I'd have to be resourceful. But hey, I wouldn't mind being resourceful if I could wear clothes like that!

Even shoes. Even my poor tootsies got fat. They were wide to begin with, so that spells more limitations.

There is all kinds of impetus for me to keep going on this course, and staying with it for the rest of my life. Some of the reasons are "deeper" than others (after all, fashion is pretty shallow), but all of them are valid.