Weigh-In: 313.8

Well, I am up a pound from yesterday (I can feel the bloat!), but that still leaves me with a 2.8 pound loss for the week, nice! I'm so happy with how things have been going.

We're off to New Hampshire in about an hour and I have lots to do before we leave, so I will just sign off with wishes for a wonderful weekend! I'll be blogging off-line while I am away, and backdating those posts when I get back.

I love my chart

So, I am a little bit early on this, but here is my Physics Diet chart for the past three months. I recommited to losing weight again on May 1st, and as of today I've lost 23.8 pounds. It hasn't always been easy (note the red "plateau" area, where I could have gone either way), but no matter what worth the results!

Oregon Blackberry Cheesecake

Yesterday after dinner, I finally got my wish for an ice cream cone! I've been wanting one for at least two weeks now, and since I've been tracking my food intake the past couple days, I knew that I had "room" for one. If you didn't already guess, the title of this post is the kind of ice cream I chose, a single scoop (though it looked like two to me, but what do I know?) on a sugar cone. It was so yummy, exactly what I'd been looking for. As I was marveling over the size of it, C. remarked that I actually used to always get the double scoop. He was right, how about that! I'm proud of the adjustments I've been making, and clearly my perception about portion sizes is changing a bit, too. That's very good news.

I came home again to a lovely dinner prepared by Chef C. We had pork chops again, but this time with a side of something that came out almost like home fries, but better: roasted potatoes and onions with our own home-grown zucchini, all mixed together with some olive oil and sea salt. Tasty and healthy! It looks like I am going to be cooking tonight, though—the chef is getting worn out! Don't know what is on the menu yet, but it has to be fast and easy. I have lots of prep to do for our trip.

Tomorrow we're headed to New Hampshire on a whirlwind trip. The main focus is to deliver some artwork to a gallery in Portsmouth, with a secondary visit with my dad in nearby Strafford. We're driving there tomorrow, delivering the work on Saturday, and heading back on Sunday! My head is spinning already. I'm not too worried about eating; my dad and stepmom are great at preparing yummy, healthy meals, and even if we do go out to eat (probably Saturday lunch), I feel well prepared to make "better" choices. If I don't? Well, there's always those hills on my dad's road to kick my butt later in the day if need be.

I also plan to bring the scale, like I planned to do last time I went away. I really won't forget it this time, swear—I really, really want to keep on track and the daily weigh helps so much in that regard. As soon as I weigh tomorrow morning, straight into the pile of travel bags it goes!

I'm especially looking forward to this trip now (all 9 driving hours of it) since I got my car worked on. It's like driving a totally new car, and it's over eight years old! Driving it now is like a dream, with my man in tow... it'll be fun.

Good Good Good

That's how I have been feeling lately, even handling annoyances much better than usual. Like: yesterday, waiting almost an hour past my scheduled appointment time to see my doctor for a brief consultation (more on that below); this morning, waiting for my car while it got four new tires, an oil change, an inspection, and *groan* a new control arm and link pin on the suspension (I think?)... to the tune of almost $800 dollars total. Fortunately I just got paid by a couple freelance gigs, which helped, but it still sucks. Point is, I am handling things better lately. Like I have some sort of inner peace thing going or something. And at least my car drives better than it has in a long time!

So yesterday's doctor visit was regarding my crazy, never-ending period. Since the beginning of June, there has only been one week when I wasn't bleeding some quantity or another. During this consult, doc said he would try a higher dose birth control pill to see if it helps. If it doesn't, he wants to do a biopsy and sonogram to see if I have some polyps. Ich. Sounds bad, but not really... polyps aren't super serious and rarely come up cancerous. Of course, I am hoping that this new kind of pill helps the situation. We'll see. The one high point of the visit was that doc was impressed with my weight loss! Ha. Also, I made a mental note of the doctor's scale reading so I could weigh myself on my scale when I got home; turns out that my scale is pretty much spot on.

However, said scale is back up to its old shenanigans where I have to do this crazy dance in order to get a reading. It doesn't really bother me much, means I don't have to buy a new one as long as I get a number, but... eh.

In other news, C. has really been stepping up to the plate lately and being very helpful around the house. The biggest best thing he's been doing for a couple days now is MAKING DINNER!!! This is such a big help for me, as it means that I can just walk in the door, sit down, and eat—just like a man in the 50s! Ha ha. Seriously, though, C. also has some serious cooking chops, I think. He made an awesome pork dish that involved a pineapple salsa that was to die for. Today, he's taking the one fresh zucchini I picked from the garden this morning and incorporating it into a side dish that involves potatoes, onion, and garlic, along with more pork (it was on sale, heh). I could get totally used to this! We also eat way better this way, the more we can cook at home.

Despite having awakened feeling totally bloated and disgusting (TOM plus starting a new pill last night), I weighed in at 313.4, one pound less than yesterday. This was a happy surprise! I feel at least five pounds heavier than that.

I don't know exactly where this upbeat outlook is coming from, but I like it and hope I can keep it up.

P.S.

The scale worked normally this morning! Maybe just using it and using it made it work out its kinks.

Also, I have been telling C. that I want to go out for an ice cream cone SO BAD. And I could if I wanted, I can... but every time I have the chance, I'm like... nah... maybe another day.

What is up with that? Ice cream is like, my favorite.

Just weighing the cause and effect and keep deciding that I prefer the effect of not eating ice cream over eating it. At least for now.

Not bad!

Reality Check

Phew, OK. Back up to 314.4, which is fine and slightly expected. I didn't overeat yesterday by any stretch (may have even under-ate a tad), but what I did eat was probably laden in sodium: McDonald's for breakfast (a yogurt parfait and a sausage burrito), Half a turkey sub from Subway for lunch, and spaghetti with jarred veggie tomato sauce for dinner. No snacking, lots of water. But I've got TOM, which I know doesn't help, either.

No matter. I am still thrilled with how the past week or so has been going, even without exercise. I am feeling good, very confident, and excited about my future in many ways—not the least of which in my weight loss. Soon I'll be below 310, which is the weight I started at six years ago when I lost almost 60 pounds! I remember thinking how HUGE 310 is (well, it is, but less huge than 350) and how bad I felt when I first started out. I guess it's all relative! I know I feel better today at 314 than I did back then at 310... which is not to say that I can't wait to see 250 again, when I felt REALLY good. I can't even begin to fathom 200 at this point, to be honest. When I get there, I get there. No doubt it will feel awesome, too!

I don't want to look back and regret, but really—what a shame that I wasn't able to keep that weight loss off back then, and just kept going! It's the reason why I really believe that this time (which I consider to be from January 2008 on) is going to be it. I know that got off track for a few months and have had to back track, but I have never before stayed committed to this kind of journey so long before in my life! It's been over a year and a half now and I've never really fully given up on it. I have never—repeat: NEVER not gained all the weight I have lost and MORE before. Case in point: Went from 310 to 250-ish, only to end up at 350 several years later. (And believe me, this has gone on most of my life, literally—can you imagine all the stress my body has been through?) Yes, this is the first time when I started gaining back that I actually caught myself and got back on track.

I am so proud of that. And however many times I have to pick myself back up after a slip, I will. I am determined to meet my goals!

Let me talk about that a bit. I don't think I have really outlined my goals here, mainly because I just wanted to get myself into a healthy routine again and didn't really prioritize reaching a certain weight or anything else. Part of that is because I do have so much to lose; it can feel really overwhelming and like this impossible task to continually remind myself that I have well over 100 pounds to lose, still.

But let me really think about this now, because I sort of feel like facing up to the idea of those numbers.

Here is a photo of me at a weight that I think I would be perfectly happy with, probably just over 200 pounds, I am guessing. This was back circa 1996 or so? I try to date photos of myself with hairstyles, so I think that is about right. I'm the one in the middle, in case you couldn't figure it out. Please forgive my apparent inability to fully button my cardigan back then. :)



Here's another one, a few years earlier, about 1991. I'd guess I weighed about the same, 200 or so? (I'm the one in front, of course.)



I obviously still have curves. I am, by nature, a big girl. Seriously, though, I think 200 isn't so bad on me. Of course... we'll see how it looks on (the future) 40 year old me vs. the 26 or 21 year old me.

Anyway, so what I am trying to say is that for now, I'm shooting for 200 pounds. Or, just under so that there is a "1" at the beginning of my weight, as dumb as that sounds. Once I get there, I will re-assess how I look and feel at the time, but for now, that seems like a perfectly fine goal to me. And it's only 114 pounds away! I don't know if I will get there for my 40th birthday (June 2010), but I can try.

312.2, or unlearning how to eat

This is just crazy. I guess my body is making up for lost time with all the losing it's been doing lately, which is fine by me!

It's just very interesting to me how this has been working. This past week or so I've been eating very differently than usual, but only in that for any given meal, I'm probably eating about half of what I would normallly—to save money. But now, I think I am becoming used to it! Today, we've got some money again, and after I went to the bank on my lunch break, I stopped at Subway for something to eat. Usually, I'll get a footlong sub and a bag of baked chips. This time, while I did get a footlong, I only ate half of it, and wrapped up the rest to put in the fridge for tomorrow's lunch. I did it mainly not to feel so guilty for buying lunch out, but I have to say: Half was enough. I feel sated but not stuffed. Totally comfortable. It's like I've been learning how much food really is enough for the first time this week, isn't that crazy?

Obviously, it is making all the difference in my weight loss, too. This is a real "A-ha!" moment for me. Just because I can eat however many calories doesn't mean that I have to, or even need to.

Yep, in the past, I've just always made sure that I stuff my face with however much I could get away with and still lose weight. I'm now finding that I don't necessarily need all of it.

I like how I am learning and unlearning new stuff all the time.

This is truly a major milestone for me. It's exciting.

Just Keeps Going Down (and Up)

Hm... I am not sure what is going on, but I like it. Weighed in at 313 this morning, wow! This ascetic lifestyle is doing wonders for my weight loss efforts. We've now been talking about limiting our grocery bill to $50 a week, maybe $75. I went over what we could get for that quickly off the top of my head, and it is totally doable. We tend to be big grocery spenders and have been aware for a long time that we really need to reign that in. This has truly been a good experience.

I have even happier news! I got a nice fat check yesterday from my freelance design job, which means that I will be able to pay for things I wasn't sure I'd be able to pay. This is very exciting, just perfect timing, really. It corresponds eerily with a silly online tarot card reading I did the night before last.

Hopefully from here on out, things are headed on the upswing.

Just for the record

I wanted to share that I weighed in today at 314 pounds even.

Now, I still really don't know if that scale is playin' wit me, or if its glitch is only in its sequence and it still weighs just fine. I have come to believe that it is the latter, based on how I have been eating lately—it is entirely possible that I finally broke out of my "stuckness" hovering just below 320. Plus, doesn't it seem like, if the scale was really broken, it'd throw all kinds of crazy numbers at me, not just one a few pounds below where I left off?

Anyway, sorry. It's kind of stupid to fixate on the numbers so much rather than how I feel and how my clothes fit. On those counts, it's going well, too. I do happen to feel thinner, however slightly. Even with the uncomfortableness that TOM brings.

Well, I am off today to paint in a garden all day, so I'd better go get ready. I'm wishing you a wonderful, positive weekend.

Official Weigh-in: 20 pounds down!

Weight: 316.6
Total Weight loss: 20 pounds

My weight is up a little today from yesterday, but I think it's because its TOM time again! Woo hoo! (not.) Still, I can officially call it at a 20 pound loss and that is a thrill. That's a nice, steady average loss, just over 1.5 pounds a week. Perfect.

I'm feeling better about things today, even though (or maybe because?) it's still early. We've been doing fine on our forced diet, and it makes me wonder why we can't just eat less like this all the time. C. wants to lose weight, too, so I don't know... we obviously would be able to eat better foods overall than we've been eating this week, but we could stick with smaller meals for sure. I don't feel like I am missing much. And since we obviously need to manage our money better, keeping a budget in mind as we are planning our meals is a very good thing—even if we don't happen to be in such a bad place like we are now. This was a very good lesson.

After work yesterday I stopped at the store to get a few things to last us the next few days. I bought a large package of split chickens for just over three dollars, and a large package of boneless pork chops for about the same. I picked up a bag of russet potatoes on sale. Yesterday we also had the good fortune of several tomatoes on our neighbor's plants fully ripened, which we can make into a yummy salsa or whatever else. In case you're wondering, no, we didn't steal. My neighbor is away for a while and asked us to water her gardens and keep an eye on things. She said to go ahead and eat the tomatoes so they don't go to waste.

Her tomatoes don't taste nearly as good as the varieties we grow, but fresh veggies is fresh veggies! That's something I've really missed this week. They're so expensive at the store. I wish our peppers, tomatoes, and squash would hurry up already! We've got plenty out there growing!

Speaking of which, I've come to realize that as time goes on, I'm not only concerned about what I eat to lose weight, but more and more about where the foods I am eating come from, and how they were produced. Gardening for my own food makes me so much more aware of these issues and how much I'd like to adjust what I buy and eat based on that. More and more I (and C.) would like to grow our own food. We have a very small plot of land to work with right now, but have possible plans with my mom to go in a property together where we can live and grow things together, maybe to the point of providing extra income. A very small farm. Probably just vegetables, but I was also thinking bees... I don't think I could raise animals for food, though maybe some chickens for eggs would be nice.

I'm a Phoenix, Baby got me really thinking about this in her recent post stemming from seeing the film Food Inc., which I have yet to see but would really like to.

It's nice when doing something for one reason becomes the catalyst for doing it for other even better reasons!

Thursday, Thursday

... can't trust that day...

It feels like a Monday today, dragging on, stuffy, antsy at my office desk. Just another hour and some to go.

I've not much new to report to you, but I want to report anyway, just because I know it helps me. I tried the broken scale again and with an average of three readings, I'm at 315.4. Gosh, I hope it is correct. Not to mention, with being so cash strapped, who knows when I'll be able to buy a new one, so I just have to hang in there.

C. ended up taking some money out of our emergency account yesterday so that I could get gas for the car and a few things to sustain us. I hate doing that, but I guess you could call this an emergency, I don't know. We ended up getting Wendy's for dinner after we each had a downright ascetic rest of the day. I didn't go the "good" route, but I also got very sick to my stomach 7/8 of the way through eating it and if you use your imagination, you can likely understand that I canceled it out altogether thanks to mother nature *wink wink*. Sorry if that is TMI.

I got a little bit of physical activity in by weeding the veggie garden, which took an hour.

Aside from that, nothing. I feel like my life is all discombobulated right now and just trying to hold onto little things that keep me grounded. I am certainly looking forward to having things back to normal, believe you me.

Unsure, but Hopeful

Hm... interesting.

I tried the "broken" scale again this morning, just to see if maybe it changed its mind. Well, it didn't. When you press the button, it still goes through this cycle: Previous weight, then "ERR". You're supposed to get a "00" instead of the "ERR", and then step on the scale to be weighed. When it was working, it would then cycle through with a series of moving "0"s and then display your current weight.

Well, I decided to try to get on the scale at the "ERR" and see if anything happened. Sure enough, it cycled through, and I got a weight reading.

But I don't know if it is right! I really hope it is... it said 315.6.

Based on how my pants fit, I'd guess that it is totally possible. Which would be awesome! I just don't want to get too excited about it if it is just plain broken and being random.

*sigh* I really want to get a new scale.

In other news, our forced diet is going just fine. Last night's chili ended up being vegetarian because I didn't stop at the store for meat; unfortunately that meant I didn't get a red bell pepper, either, which I think really helps the flavor. I did the best with what we had on hand, and the result was... edible. OK. It didn't really taste like chili, it just tasted like a very spicy bean dish. We've both eaten worse, and at least we have food to eat for another day or two.

The best thing was that since I didn't care much for it, I didn't eat as much either.

I don't know, it's not so bad. I don't really even feel deprived. I'm more concerned about making our pennies stretch, so eating less or eating something I don't like as much seems fairly easy to do. Go figure!

You learn something new every day if you're not careful.

Tuesdays Are Always Better

It's been so weird not having a scale in my life this past week. I thought it would be kind of scary and that I would feel out of control, but that has not been the case. I still find myself trying to make "better" choices overall and be conscious about what goes in my mouth, and as a result my pants are still fitting just fine.

Last night we had our BBQ chicken and corn on the cob, and later on a big piece of the cheese bread I made in the evening when it came out of the oven. Considering what I didn't eat the rest of the day, I would call it a pretty good day overall, eating-wise. Tonight, we'll be making chili out of the variety of beans and crushed tomatoes left in the cupboard, and I scrounged enough change that I should be able to buy a little bit of meat and maybe a red pepper to include, along with the garlic, onion, chiles, and spices we already have at home. I'll cook some rice to help stretch the portions, and voila! Food for at least a couple days. The cheese bread will be a wonderful accompaniment.

I still haven't tried exercising yet at all. That nasty cough is lingering a bit, and I know I am still a bit weak and tired. It's like I can't get enough sleep! So just watering the garden or taking out the trash really wears me out, just the after effects of being sick for so long. I'm shooting for next week to start a routine again.

In the meantime I plan to stick around here and post as much as I can squeak out. It helps me to not veer off track totally, still thoughtful and still focused.

Forced "Diet"

Hi hi!

I don't know about you, but it is the quintessential Monday for me. I'm super tired from a bad night's sleep (still a little sick, a coughing fit woke me up), and I checked my bank account to find out that I am overdrawn, with no paycheck for another week and a half. FAIL. (I should be getting checks any day now for other things, but I don't have a definite date on those, so who knows.)

It's just the kind of day where someone might be really tempted to drown their sorrows in food. One upside to this financial debacle is that we also happen to have very little food in the house currently, which means... forced diet! Rationing. I suppose this could be a good thing, but it is just very frustrating. And I feel stupid because it is my own fault.

So anyway, today I had a can of chunk pineapple and the last little bit of GoLean Crunch for breakfast, and a bag of microwave popcorn for lunch. We'll be having one piece of chicken and two ears of corn on the cob each for dinner, and I will make a batch of cheese bread for later and the coming days at least. We've got rice and some pasta, lots of dried beans... I may try to make some meatless chili or something.

Honestly I really don't have too much of a problem eating like this, and scavenging around the cupboards and not eating meat. It's the mister that will be bad off, I think. And I feel bad about that. But, we'll both probably lose a little weight and I don't know. Times like this make you really appreciate what you DO have. Last week we really overindulged eating and money-wise; this is certainly a lesson in balance, if anything. This prince and pauper business gets old. I just want to live and eat like a regular person, right in between.

Wish us luck in the coming days.

Keeping Up

I don't want to not keep writing here just because I not very consciously making efforts, mainly because I haven't quit. It's just a long pause, I suppose. Hopefully soon to be over (the pause, I mean).

I'm feeling much better, but didn't sleep well last night because of the nasty cough that seems to be lingering, so I am very tired today. So glad it's the weekend.

I'm going to try at least a walk this weekend and see how it goes. Since I have some chest things going on, I am not too optimistic, but will try anyway. Hopefully I'll have a new scale this weekend and I plan on Monday being my start over date. I'm actually excited about it! I want to lose that next 20 pounds, so yes, I am excited.

Having been eating the best meals ever, but trying to keep portions reasonable and snacks out of the equation—especially at night. So not all is lost. I have held on to some important practices and principles, of which I am quite proud!

Still Around

Well, as I reported earlier this week, my scale is no longer in service. I'm very sad about this, but also excited about starting fresh with a new model.

That said, I won't be able to weigh-in tomorrow with an "official" number. I'm certain to have a new scale by next Friday, though, and then it will almost be like starting totally fresh again, which is also kind of cool. I haven't been going totally crazy on eating or anything, but of course since I've been sick with the flu-that's-not-swine-flu-but-still-sucks I haven't been tracking my food or exercising. Right now I am going by how my pants are fitting, and so far I don't think I've had a significant gain. I'd bet that I'm still hovering just at or below 320. Well, I did get weighed at the doctor's on Tuesday, and figuring that I ate a PB&J sandwich about an hour before the appointment and accounting for clothing, that is exactly right. So I do feel OK about things.

I am looking forward to losing some more weight, though! I still can't wait to get below 300. It will mean the world to me, honestly.

The flu finally seems to be letting up its hold on me today and I am hoping at the very least to get out and catch up on my gardening duties this weekend... and maybe try a walk or a visit to the gym! We'll see how it goes. This morning just watering the gardens made me sweaty and weak-feeling, so I don't know how feasible those expectations are.

Oh! And I almost forgot! I had the good fortune to win a package of Amazing Grass products from a giveaway on I'm a Phoenix, Baby's blog. The package arrived the other day and I am really looking forward to trying out the products and will give a full, honest review of each one I try. Thanks, Ann, and thanks Teri from Amazing Grass! I am really looking forward to trying something new.

That's about all for now. I hope everyone out there is doing well and staying happy and healthy!

Scaleless Again

No weigh-in this morning. I am still not feeling very well (though much better than I was), didn't sleep well last night, so ended up hitting the snooze button like ten times (probably literally!). I didn't exactly rush around getting ready for work since I knew I was running so late anyway, but I wasn't going to waste 15 minutes trying to get my scale to take a reading, either. I hope it's not totally dead after last night's toilet fiasco (don't ask); I'll probably hop on a few times later on today to see if I can get anything other than an "ERR" on the readout. Seriously, I cannot live without a scale. I like to know where I stand every day. I firmly believe that my daily weigh is the reason I have been able to mostly maintain my weight loss since May despite all the pitfalls. Knowing you're accountable to something makes it easier for me to make better choices, even when I am making bad choices. Know what I mean?

So anyway. It was nice to have my yogurt-berries-cereal mixture this morning again. I haven't had it since I've been away from work, almost two weeks! It tasted really good. I've also been drinking a lot of green tea today in an effort to keep my coughing down to a minimum... I know how annoying it must be to my co-workers. Between that and some Halls cough drops, it seems to be working for the most part.

Yesterday, I actually got a wee bit of activity in: Someone had to mow the lawn, and since C. is now infected with the cold of doom, I gave it a shot. It wasn't great, but I was able to finish and got all sweatied up as a result. A friend of mine on Facebook actually suggested that I go running, "as bad as that sounds," he said, to help my cold. I can see how it might be helpful, but mowing the lawn at this juncture was more than enough for me. I feel like if I am lucky, I'll be able to start exercising again next week. *sigh*

I do think that my best course right now is to just continue to focus on getting better. I am really looking forward to losing more weight, but as I have said in the past, this is no race I'm in. I'm happy that I have been able to stick in the 318-320 range lately. It's good enough for now, but boy, do I ever have designs on MORE!

Still sick

Weight: 320.2
Total weight loss: 16.4 pounds

Weigh-in day. Too bad, because I seriously had been hanging in the 318 camp for most of the week, but oh well. In fact, putting it to you all Ria style: my weight range was 318.2 through 321.2, with four out of seven days hanging out in 318 land. Considering how sick I have been and how I've gotten absolutely zero exercise and have not been cooking and therefore eating really poorly, I consider this a good thing for the most part.

Not to mention, this morning? I'm spotting yet again. WTF! I'm calling about getting a new gynecologist today and taking a better stand on the health of my female parts. Seriously.

This week I've felt like I've been living in an alternate universe, or in limbo. I went to work for a couple hours yesterday just to make sure my work world hasn't fallen apart or that I wasn't neglecting something important, and to gather some files to take home and work on today and over the weekend. Aside from that, I've been home and feeling pretty miserable overall, not really able to do anything fun or even not fun! Pretty much stuck to the recliner watching TV, reading, and internet surfing. Sure, I'm not at work, but make no mistake: It's no vacation.

I'm interested to see how well or how poorly I'll manage to do C25K once I am able to resume. I'm going to actually try a straight run and see how long I can sustain it, and go from there. If you recall, I had left off at the point where I'd be running 25 minutes straight a few times. In the meantime, I'm watching the Tour de France. They're in the mountains today!

That's about all I have to report for now. I still have the desire to continue my efforts, have not given up by any means. I'm just letting myself be sick and indulging my cravings a bit. Believe me, it's getting old.

If it isn't this, it's that

Hi hi!

Been a while. I know.

I'm holding steady, not exactly making progress, but not backstepping too much, either. Today I'm holding at 318.2 after seeing a slight gain over the holiday weekend, which is fine by me. I haven't been doing much of anything—not tracking food, not really trying to eat right, not exercising. One good thing is that the period from hell (clocking in one month and one week, by the way) is finally over, but as soon as that ceased, I find myself with a summer cold. Or is it H1N1? Either way, it feels pretty crappy so I am out of commission for now, just trying to get by. The fact that I have maintained most of my loss until now feels very good.

Once I recover from this, I do look forward to fully getting back on track and recommitting to everything I had back on May 1st. I still expect to succeed, believe it.

***

RE: Your comments and emails regarding PCOS (Polycystic Ovary Syndrome); yes, I do in fact have it and was diagnosed years ago. However, the only "treatment" I have received for it is remaining on birth control pills. It doesn't seem to cause a lot of problems for me aside from my odd menstrual cycle (or, a nonexistent one if I wasn't taking hormones). Anyway, thanks for your ideas and concerns and everything else. I may have to start looking for a new doctor and see if there isn't something I am missing out on the treatment of this condition.

Playing Games

Weight: 318.6
Total Weight loss: 18 pounds

Official weigh-in today!

Yes, it's Friday... um, didn't I change my mind last week and make the official day on Saturdays from now on?

Yeah. I did. It was kind of stupid and self-serving and to be honest, if you hadn't already guessed, I did it because I wanted that 316.2 weight on my little chart there in the sidebar. I really liked that number a lot, and I wanted it.

But now this week with the crazy ups and downs, I realize how silly that was. I've gone back and recorded last Friday's weight and added today's. I'm making very slow progress. I was in the red twice on my Physics Diet chart this week, but now back firmly (I hope) in the green, which is my main goal ever. If I stay in the green, it means that I am making progress, however slow.

Yesterday was good, but really tiring! My studio visit went well (I think), but I won't have an answer about the exhibition until September or so! Patience... it is a virtue, not only as an artist, but as someone trying to become more healthy and fit. Who knows where I will be in September! It's exciting to think about.

After the curators left, we had lunch, and then, it was all over for the rest of the afternoon. I napped and napped—I really needed it! Today I will be relaxing a lot, maybe playing in the garden.

Phew!

Talk about feeling relieved! I'm back down to 318.4 today, after having a pretty good eating day yesterday AND doing some good old-fashioned housework to work up a good sweat. I've got visitors coming today—some curators from area art institutions regarding only the biggest art event that takes place in the region. This studio visit is the last step before final decisions are made about who's in and who's out. God knows I don't want them to think I am a slobby artist by having a messy house, now, do I? (I'm actually joking, because they're not going to be here to judge my housekeeping!)

Anyway, I'm soooo relieved knowing that I am not on a never-ending downward spiral (or should I say upward?), headed back to from whence I came. Trust me, I never, ever want to go back to 350 pounds. I never want to go back to 320 pounds, for that matter.

For now, crisis averted.

Taking a Breath

OK, now that I am past the initial shock earlier, I feel better. I'd like to extend a big thanks to Ria for being the voice of reason and reminding me that this is most likely water retention, and that I really didn't gain 5 pounds in less than as many days. It still feels crappy, but I'll be all right.

I'm not going to let it throw me totally off, and I am going to keep on keeping on regardless. So I don't get down to 310 by July 11th, what difference does it make in the big scheme of things? It's still a very real possibility that I make it below 300 by the end of the summer. Heck, no matter what I will weigh less by the end of the summer, even by a few pounds—and that's what matters.

I need to stick with it, and I need to keep my head focused on my goals. What do I want? What don't I want?

Hm, I just heard one of my co-workers comment on how "heavy" today feels, with the high humidity (low temps though!), and realized how tight the skin on my fingers feel... it's no wonder I've gained. Hopefully it will leave as quickly as it arrived.

Oh, and I just realized... today I am entering my third month of DOING THIS. That's an achievement in itself.

Dire Circumstances

Oh no.

OK, seriously. I've gained five pounds since Saturday. How can that possibly be???

321 pounds today. I'm pretty upset. I'm VERY upset.

Seriously, five pounds? In half a week?

God, this sucks.

I mean, my eating at dinnertime yesterday wasn't the best, but it wasn't the worst, either. Plus, I had as good a workout doing yard work as I would have walking or running!

I know I have to get back into C25K. I didn't do it this morning because of the way I felt and because of the kind of day I have today... I won't go into it now because I don't have a lot of time, but wanted to get something down here.

I'm scared that all the weight will come back again.

I'm frustrated because of my "female issues"—I know it is not helping matters, either.

All I want to do right now is eat a bunch of crap. I hate this.

Hate it.

I hate being fat. There, I said it.

It's totally true. It's NOT OK for me to be fat anymore. It's just not.

So what am I going to do about it, anyway?